


a lot like you

by adequater



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, Coming of Age, M/M, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-20 15:25:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10665483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adequater/pseuds/adequater
Summary: As soon as the word pretty is conjured in his mind when he sees the boy, warning bells immediately ring through his head. This, whateverthisis, is something to be ignored and forgotten because it's dangerous and weird, andfuck--that boy is pretty.





	1. if i get drunk today

**Author's Note:**

> hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> a markmin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! finally god. 
> 
> this is sort of a shot at a chaptered fic. i haven't finished writing yet, but i'm almost done and i think i want to divide the parts, so here i am. keep in mind that this is experimental on my part, so i may or may not like, decide that i don't like it to be divided, and i would combine it later in life hahahaha i hope not. i don't know how many chapter this is going to be. probably 2-5!!!!!!
> 
> warning: unbeta'ed

He’s _pretty._

 

And immediately, just from that one little line of thought, Mark knows that he’s stepping into some dangerous territory that he has been trying to avoid for a while now. The person is the kind of pretty that makes Mark look at himself and see just how flawed he is compared to the person. And fuck, he _is._  He feels almost inadequate next to the person. They’re wearing the same uniform, and no one looks good in uniform. But this person, this--this _guy._  He looks ethereal, perfect almost. It’s the way he carries himself, Mark supposes. The tranquility and eloquence that he exudes, the way he smiles at the nice auntie behind the cafeteria counter, the way he talks. It’s crazy and dangerous. Because this is Mark’s first time seeing the person, and he picked up those things about him so easily and effortlessly. Mark doesn’t know if these observations are just pure envy that he doesn’t have those said qualities in him, or he’s just enthralled by the person.

 

“Oh, sorry,” the person says to him when he sees Mark next to him in the horizontal line, and Mark know he looks like he’s awkwardly waiting for the guy to finish talking, and Mark stiffens when he can see the guy’s face even clearer. The words are lodged in Mark’s throat, heavy, and his lips are pulled down in a small, awkward grimace, not knowing how to respond to the boy because Mark doesn’t even know what the boy is apologising for. For being pretty? Fuck off. So he just nods. “I didn’t realise someone was behind me. Sorry to keep you waiting.” Oh. Okay. He then turns to the auntie again, smiling his bright smile, and he waves. "Bye auntie!”

 

And there he goes. Mark would be lying if he says that he doesn’t think about him for at least a day or two after the small encounter.

 

-

 

Mark hates Biology.

 

Biology is truly the bane of his existence. He can understand Maths. Maths is easy, and the way you apply logic and formula for you to get to the answer is therapeutic and calming. The satisfied feeling in your chest when you get the answer, _and_ when you find out that the answer is right. Downright addictive, and Mark doesn’t think he can ever love a subject so much. While Biology. Biology is _stupid._ Who decides that the little leaf-like shape in the body is called pancreas, who the the hell cares what are the skin colour phenotypes of offspring of two fucking mole rat, who the hell even decides that he needs to know the difference between respiration and transpiration, and how they breathe? Certainly not Mark.

 

Donghyuck doesn’t share the same sentiment.

 

“Fuck off,” Donghyuck first says, and Mark gapes at him. “Bio is fun. You should love bio.”

 

“That’s literally the quotation at the back of the compilation of the Bio past year papers.” Mark takes his biology book, and slams the back side of it to Donghyuck. “Keep calm and love biology. The heck?”

 

Donghyuck scrunches his nose as he studies the Biology book, and he gives the book back to Mark in a sweeping manner across the table, and he straightens the paper squashed by the Biology book earlier. “Biology _is_ fun. We get to know how the fuck our bodies work, dude. Isn’t that cool?” Mark scrunches his nose this time, and Donghyuck narrows his eyes, the pen in his hand ready to be thrown at Mark. “Hyung, you literally have no rights to complain. You score well in both anyways. Who the hell gives a damn that you don’t like the subject if you score well. Meanwhile me, I’m stuck in being good at biology and sucking at maths. Fuck off, ungrateful bastard.”   


Mark shrugs. But that’s the thing. No matter how much he just hates Biology, he’s sort of good at it because all he needs is memorisation and undesrtanding, and Mark is pretty darn good at memorising. Thank God.

 

“Yeah, but--” Mark stops, because just when he is trying to rise another argument that there’s no use studying a subject you don’t like and care about, his eyes somehow drift to the entrance of the library instinctively, and enters pretty boy. Still as pretty as the last time Mark has seen him. When was even the last time? One week ago? Mark didn’t even see him around school that the boy just slips his mind completely, probably in one of the forgotten things cabinet that Mark knows is present in his brain. Fuck. “Who’s that, Hyuck?”

 

“What?” Donghyuck leans in to Mark, hunching over the biology textbook, and Mark narrows his eyes at him. “How the hell am I supposed to know who are these stock actors, hyung?”

 

“No, stupid. I meant that guy.” Mark points discreetly to the boy. Pretty boy is currently talking to the librarian softly (must have been since it’s a library and anyone who speaks higher than 15 decibel will results in them getting kicked out), his books and files in his hands, and a gentle smile on his face as he nods at the librarian’s words.

 

“Oh. Well, you were talking about Bio a while ago of course I thought you were talking about Bio too. And that’s Na Jaemin.”

 

“Jaemin?”

 

“Yeah, it says so on his nametag,” Donghyuck replies easily, and he picks up his discarded pen, ready to start doing his work again.

 

“Wait, so you don’t know him?” Mark asks, confused and feeling a little bit stupid. Because he really could have looked at the nametag himself even when they first met.

 

“I guess I do. But like I don’t know _know_ him. He’s in the class next to me,” Donghyuck replies, and he shoots Mark a suspicious glance. “Why?”

 

 _Nothing,_ Mark thinks because there truly is nothing. He’s just a tiny bit intrigued by the boy’s face and maybe the way he carries himself; the eloquence, the maturity, the everything. Donghyuck doesn’t need to know that, though. It’s too dark and dangerous for that kind of revelation. Who knows how Donghyuck will react? Mark doesn’t know, and Mark doesn’t think he even _wants_ to know. He doesn’t even know why he is too scared. Or he does know. He just doesn’t want to fucking think.

 

“Nothing,” Mark says out loud, and the silence must have been too long because Donghyuck looks even more suspicious now.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Jaemin, come sit here!”

 

“What the _fuck?”_  


Pretty boy was going to sit at one of the unoccupied study table, but he walks over to them, surprise evident in his features, but his strides confident and easy, like he isn’t walking into a trap that Donghyuck has just set in that little devilish mind of his. Mark looks at Donghyuck, alarmed, and Donghyuck continues to look at Jaemin approaching them, with a bright smile on his face. Mark wants to slap him.

 

“Hey, Donghyuck,” Pretty boy Jaemin says as he arrives at their table, and he glances at Mark, a smile on his face but he looks confused and embarrassed almost, “hey.”

 

He doesn’t know Mark’s name. Great.

 

“What are you doing here?” Donghyuck asks brightly, and he ignores the kick on his foot from Mark, choosing to continue smiling at Jaemin, all sunny and fake. Obviously, people go to the library to study unless Jaemin is meeting his girlfriend (does he have a girlfriend? That didn’t really cross Mark’s mind) for a little kinky, secret rendezvous. The fuck, Donghyuck?

 

“Oh, just waiting for Jeno to finish with volleyball. Then, we’re gonna go home together. Thought it would be better to study while I wait for him.”

 

Jeno. Mark knows Jeno. It’s hard to not to. He’s the wing spiker of the volleyball team, and he’s a year below Mark, which is the same grade as Donghyuck, year 2. That’s odd. Mark thinks because he knows Jeno is in the class next to Donghyuck, and Donghyuck just mentioned earlier that Jaemin is in the class next to his class. Mark always sees Jeno around but there’s never Jaemin with him. Is Mark oblivious or he just got stupider since the school year started? Or is Jaemin new?

 

“Wait with us, then! This is Mark-hyung. He’s in third year,” Donghyuck introduces him, and Jaemin’s eyes turn to look at him, inquisitive, bright, and pretty. Mark just smiles, and waves, wincing internally, hoping that wasn’t awkward. But Jaemin laughs, nods, and he looks even prettier (if that is even possible) than his usual face, so Mark thinks he did okay. He thinks he wants to keep making Jaemin laugh.

 

“Okay.” Jaemin then sits down next to Mark. Oh no. “What are you guys studying?”

 

“I’m studying Maths, while Mark-hyung is studying Bio. We’re doing subjects that we both don’t like the most,” Donghyuck snorts, and he goes back to his Maths question.

 

“How about you?” Mark croaks out, and he sounds parched, and that makes him colour a little but Jaemin doesn’t say anything so Mark feels a little bit okay, but Donghyuck just snorts again, so it is _not_ okay.

 

“English,” Jaemin sighs, and he leans back on his chair, stretching, and Mark’s eyes instinctively drift down to Jaemin’s hips where his shirt rides up a little from the stretch, and his eyes drift back to Jaemin’s face just as quickly. “I hate this subject, too. So we’re all in the same boat. I just don’t understand the sentence structure.”  
  
“Mark-hyung helps me with my English. He’s really good,” Donghyuck says absentmindedly, but Mark remembers just last week when he tutored Donghyuck, he complained that Mark is having fun on his own, he just speaks english as if Donghyuck totally understands what he is saying, instead of teaching him. The hell is this?

 

“Oh, really?” Jaemin looks at him (pretty) and Mark expects the question. “Can you help me, hyung?”

 

The way his breath and pulse quickens don’t mean anything.

 

-

 

His parents are nice.

 

They’re nice, but they’re also a little bit annoying to the point that Mark thinks it would be better for him to live in the dorms. But no way in hell his parents would even allow him to live in the dorms. They love him too much for that and Mark thinks it’s a wonder how his brother managed to escape his parents when he left for college. His brother managed to apply for dorm residency before their parents have a say in his choice, and now Mark gets doted on the most unless Taeyong comes back from his dorm, then Taeyong gets doted on for the whole time he’s in the house and Mark lives in peace, and after Taeyong leaves again, it’s Mark who gets doted on again. It’s fucking tiring. Mark thinks it was Canada that made them annoying.

  
  


“Minhyung, love, why aren’t you out?” His mother asks on a Friday night when she peeks her head in his room, where Mark is hunched over his study table, furiously making his History notes, his handwriting made sure eligible and in different colours just because Mark notices that he memorises things faster when the words are coloured differently.

 

Mark looks up from his table blankly, and he lifts the paper up. “Studying? I’m preparing for college entrance, you know, mum.”

 

“I know, but it’s Friday night, you stud. School just started like two weeks ago. You’re not gonna go out or anything? You know I can let you out until eleven on weekends, right? Or play video games?” his mother asks, and Mark thinks it’s almost hilarious how his mother is worried that he’s not doing the normal boys behaviour when most parents would be thanking God on their knees for a good son like him. It’s Canada. Mark is sure of it now.

 

“Didn’t really feel like it,” Mark shrugs, and his mum looks at him, worried. Mark knows that his mum is just worried he doesn’t have any friends because he rarely goes out. But hey, Donghyuck did invite him to join him and his friends for karaoke when they met up after school was done earlier, but Mark had declined, thinking that he wouldn’t fit in in that kind of lot just because he doesn’t really know much of Donghyuck’s friends, and Donghyuck has _a_ _lot_ of friends.

 

“You know what?” HIs mother asks.

 

“No.”

 

His mother ignores him. “Buy me groceries,” his mum says just as Mark is about to go back to making his notes. He opens his mouth to protest, but he is cut off by a stern look. “Come on, Minhyung. Go out and live. Ask for dad’s debit, though. I’ll text you the list.”

 

Mark is sure that going out at 9:20pm on a Friday night to buy groceries isn’t exactly living his life.

 

-

 

Mark is just about to make the most serious and important choice of his life (instant jjamppong or spaghetti ramen) when a cough snaps him out of his inner battle. Mark is ready to snap when he expects a store worker asking him to hurry the fuck up, the words _I’m in a 24-hour grocery store and I checked thrice_ argument ready on the tip of his tongue. So it’s a surprise when he is greeted by Jaemin, all bright with a smile and waiting for Mark to acknowledge his presence.

 

“Jaemin!” Mark exclaims in shock, and he dumps both of the instant noodles in his full trolley, full of things his mother had listed out on his phone.

 

“That took you a while. Is choosing between two ramen that hard?” Jaemin laughs, and he looks prettier already. Mark realises that he’s dressed pretty nicely, with fitted blue ripped jeans, white shirt, a red flannel, and his timberlands. Different from the usual uniform he has seen Jaemin in before, and Mark thinks he looks just as nice, if not more, in his casual clothes. Like a fucking teen, while Mark feels and looks like a total sleazebag next to neatly dressed Jaemin, in his black adidas jumper, which is nice, but isn’t really a competition next to Jaemin. Oh wait, he’s wearing his slippers. Fuck nice.

 

“What are you doing here?” Mark asks, and he scans Jaemin, no sign of buying anything other than the bread and chocolate milk in his hands.

 

“Karaoke isn’t really my scene apparently, hyung,” Jaemin shrugs, and he takes Mark’s trolley, strolling it and Mark has no choice but to follow after, trailing beside Jaemin. “Hyuck mentioned that he invited you but you said no. Grocery is better than being with a bunch of second years?”

 

“Yeah,” Mark snorts, “I didn’t know you’d be there. If I knew you were there, I would have--” Mark stops his sentence. If he knew that Jaemin would be there, then he would have _what?_ He stays silent. “Was it fun?”

 

Jaemin looks at him (pretty), eyes silently questioning the oddness of his sentence, but he didn’t look like he wants to inquire further, so he answers Mark’s question. “It was, I guess. But too small for me when it seems like all of Donghyuck’s friends were there. I’m claustrophobic. Needed a breather, and the grocery store is close to the karaoke place,” Jaemin shrugs.

 

“Come on, let me pay,” Mark says as they arrive at the cashier, ignoring the nagging guilt that he is using his father’s debit, so it’s technically not really his treat but he’ll ask his father to reduce the amount of Jaemin’s food cost from his weekly allowance to make himself feel less guilty. Jaemin is just about to protest when Mark takes his bread and chocolate milk from his hand. "It’s cheap, dude. Come on.”

 

They go sit at the tables provided, earning a displeased look from the cashier girl, because that means she has to keep a lookout on them, but Jaemin smiles at the girl, and that girl looks away with a small smile of her own. Mark is starting to think that Jaemin’s smile has fucking healing powers or something. Mark drums his fingers on the table, waiting for Jaemin to say something while also thinking of conversation starter in his head. But Jaemin breaks the silence just as he stuffs the bread in his mouth.

 

“Tell me more about you, hyung.”

 

Mark stops his tapping. “You first then. I was literally just about to say that. I realise I don’t know a lot about you.”

 

“Well, we did just met once before, and before that I only said sorry to you because I was too busy chatting up with auntie,” Jaemin muses, and Mark gasps.

 

“Hey, you do remember the very first time we met! I wasn’t sure if I should mention that or not, honestly.”  


“Why?”

 

“Why would I? I was insignificant.”

 

“That’s a very odd way to describe yourself. People don’t describe themselves with the antonyms of what they actually are, hyung,” Jaemin mumbles as he sips on his chocolate milk, his (pretty) eyes staring at Mark intensely, and Mark colours a little.

 

“You calling me significant in your life already, stud?”  
  
“Anyone who buys me bread and chocolate milk is significant in my life, hyung.”   


Mark chooses to not say that that technically means that Mark’s father is the one significant in his life, and not Mark.

  


 

 

 

 


	2. happy seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'ed. chapter title from khalid's song called shot down. i'm sorry this took so long T___T

“Hey, Mark boy,” a voice drawls just as Mark is about to shove the rice into his mouth. The book in Mark’s left hand that he tried hard to make it comfortable holding while eating drops helplessly on the table as his body jolts in shock at the sudden intrusion.

 

“Mark boy?” Mark asks, scrunching his nose in disgust as he turns to look at Donghyuck who softly puts his lunch tray on the table. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Eating lunch with you. What else should I be doing?” Donghyuck replies, rolling his eyes, and he starts eating after muttering a quick prayer under his breath.

 

“Yeah, okay. Except you never eat lunch with me unless I tell you to,” Mark takes out his phone from the pocket of his shirt, and checks his recent kakao text messages. “Yeah, I didn’t tell you to come. What do you want? Do you have Maths after this?”

 

“What does Maths have anything to do with this?” Donghyuck asks defensively, his voice muffled by the food in his mouth, and Mark thinks he looks ridiculous, getting angry at Mark while he looks like a hamster. “I do have Maths after this, thank you for your concern. But I finished my homework for it during the weekend, okay.”

 

Mark looks at him warily, and Donghyuck breathes out a disbelieved laugh.

 

“I did! But now that we’re talking about weekend,” Donghyuck pauses meaningfully, wiggling his eyebrows, and Mark bites his tongue to tell Donghyuck that they _weren’t_ talking about the weekend. Heck, they weren’t even talking about anything! “What did you do this weekend, hyung?”

 

“Nothing,” Mark grunts and he picks up his book with his left hand while the other hand continues to eat with much ease. A habit that he has developed over the years that his body has grown accustomed to doing it. “Did homework, helped mum with chores, all that.”

 

“Yeah? No certain Na Jaemin involved?” Donghyuck inquires, and something deep inside of Mark clicks open like a lock, the words that Donghyuck uttered being the key.

 

“Bumped into him at the grocery store. That’s it, really,” Mark says warily, and he goes back to his book although he isn’t really reading it. He just wants to stop looking at Donghyuck’s face.

 

“Oh, that’s it?” Donghyuck sounds disappointed, so Mark looks at him again.

 

“Yeah, why?”

 

“Nothing, nothing,” Donghyuck sighs dramatically, waving his hand around, and his legs get comfortable as he sits Indian style on his chair. A habit Mark knows Donghyuck has whenever a chair, _any chair,_ gets too uncomfortable. “I thought you two hung out without me or something.”

 

“We don’t even know each other,” Mark mumbles, and he clears his throat. “And if we do hang out, of course we won’t be bringing _you."_

 

“Mean,” Donghyuck mutters, and he chews noisily on his food, looking down thoughtfully to arrange his words, and Mark just knows that’s gonna take a while so he goes back to his book and eating. Only closing his book when Donghyuck continues to speak. “Jaemin is apparently like really popular right now, you know. This girl in my class told me she saw you two together, and referred to you as ‘that third year I always hang out with.’”

 

“He is?” Mark asks, his eyebrows furrow in thought, and blatantly ignoring that other comment. “Why wasn’t he popular back then, though?”

 

“Uh, duh, he just moved, okay?” Donghyuck snorts, and he even goes as far as untangling his legs to kick at Mark’s legs. “You’re stupid. I can’t believe you just knew.”

 

“It’s not like I was invested in school gossip, or anything,” Mark huffs. “I suspected he just moved, and I was gonna ask you. But it never came up, or anything. And even if I were invested in school gossip, I doubt a measly second year gossip will even be interesting, Hyuck.”

 

“Wah, you’re really looking down on second years just because you’re a senior now?” Donghyuck laughs in disbelief, and he gives another kick to Mark’s leg that Mark skillfully avoids, but only resulting in him hitting his knees on the table, creating a large clank that attracts other students’ attention. Mark colours a little as Donghyuck continues grudgingly. “And Jaemin’s situation isn’t just second years gossip or hot news. I heard someone from your year liked Jaemin or something. The fact that Jeno took him under his care helped a lot with him getting more popular.”

 

“If only you put this much effort in studying as you do with the school’s gossip,” Mark says sadly, clicking his tongue, and he relishes in the way Donghyuck’s face flushes a little as he sputters.

 

“I do!” Donghyuck exclaims, and Mark has to laugh. Okay, he knows Donghyuck puts in effort in his studying, but it’s fun to tease him sometimes. “Shut up. I’m just sharing this with you because I know you’re curious, too, aren’t you, hyung?”

 

Okay, Mark loses. He was (is) a little, teeny, bit curious about Jaemin and where he came from and maybe what is his favourite food. Fine. At least some of the answers to that have been answered. That night they talked wasn’t really a talk. It was just a small talk to fill in the awkwardness and it was even a wonder for Mark that he managed to have a normal talk with Jaemin without fumbling (because Jaemin was someone he knew recently) and making a fool of himself. Sure, they talked for like fifteen minutes, but they wer- _are_ still at the acquaintances stage, so Mark felt awkward to have been interviewing him that night when they don’t even know each other. Even if Jaemin seemed interested in knowing Mark more. Or maybe he was being polite because Mark treated him food. Maybe.

 

“Maybe,” Mark grudgingly admits. “But then again, who cares? I doubt we’re even gonna be close friends.”

 

“You never know, hyung. Friendship blooms in the weirdest way, sometimes,” Donghyuck muses.

 

-

 

The next time Mark sees Jaemin, it is unexpected. But then again, when Mark thinks about it again during when he is properly sober, the times they have met have been in a totally unexpected circumstances. So, maybe he should stop being so surprised every time he comes across Jaemin. Except okay, there’s only so much thrill that Mark can handle in his life that the meeting with Jaemin for the fourth (yeah, he’s keeping a count) time truly made him surprised. Especially when he is on the verge of falling asleep as he chooses his drink from the cool refrigerator of the convenience store he’s in.

 

It is just little before midnight on some school night, and Mark just finished cram school, but decided to stop over at some 7-11 near his school. His eyes are bleary as he scans the cooler, taking even longer time than usual pointing out his favourite drink since his eyes are straining to stay open. Mark rubs his eyes blearily as he sighs, and picks out a drink randomly just to keep him awake during the subway ride back to his neighbourhood. Mark is just about to dig out some money in his pocket after putting the drink he picked out on the counter, where sits behind it a university part-timer who is studying with her textbook opened near the cash register, when a familiar voice speaks up.

 

“It’s okay, hyung. I’ll pay.” Mark turns to look at the person, suddenly more awake, and his heartbeat quickens when he sees that Jaemin is already taking out his wallet (w _allet._ He brings his  _wallet_ to school) and paying for Mark’s drinks along with his, and Mark absentmindedly notices that Jaemin bought bread and chocolate milk again.

 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Mark comments lightly as he exits the convenience store with Jaemin in tow. He takes his drink that Jaemin bought for him warily, eyes looking at Jaemin a little bit uncomfortably. His mind brings back the memory of him treating Jaemin that day and suddenly realises what Jaemin’s motives are. “If this is for before, then don’t. I really just wanted to treat you that day, Jaemin.”

 

“I know,” Jaemin laughs merrily, and he punches Mark lightly that causes Mark to topple over a little. A behaviour that Mark knows won’t happen if he isn’t tired out of his mind. Mark just laughs lightly, and punches Jaemin’s shoulder too, and notes distastefully that he barely even flinched. “You were looking a little tired.”

 

Mark knows. He isn’t _always_ like this when he has cram school that night since his body has sort of grown accustomed to being treated poorly with sleep. But he stayed up doing a few ( _few)_ maths equation and watching a few _(few)_ episodes of an anime the night before which results in him looking like a zombie for the rest of the day, and eventually to the night. Speaking of looking horrible, Jaemin doesn’t even look anywhere close to being dead despite the current time. He still looks good in his wrinkled-from-sitting uniform, and Mark instinctively straightens his figure to at least looks a little more presentable next to Jaemin.

 

“Also, just so you know, I got a B+ on an English test we had recently,” Jaemin comments offhandedly, and Mark is at loss. What does he say? Good job? Congrats? Keep up the good work? _What?_ “I don’t think I could do that without you teaching me a little that day, so thank you.” Oh.

 

“Oh,” Mark says out loud, and he blushes humbly as he raises his hand up to high-five Jaemin to which he enthusiastically returns with a bright smile. “You weren’t hard to teach, you know. You learned fast.”

 

“Thanks,” Jaemin replies in English, and Mark laughs loudly, throwing his head back as laughter escapes him and it barely crosses Mark’s mind that they’re still in front of the 7-11. “Why?” Jaemin whines. “Was my accent that bad?”

 

“No, no,” Mark says in English, and a snort escapes him, then he returns back to Korean. “Sorry, that was probably rude. It was just unexpected.”

 

“Yeah, well, not everyone lived in an English-speaking country,” Jaemin comments snidely, and Mark laughs again.

 

“How did you even know that?”

 

“Asked Jeno where you got your English name, and he told me that you lived in Canada as a kid,” Jaemin snorts. “Does that sound stalker-ish? I was sort of curious.”

 

“Kind of,” Mark laughs, “but it’s okay.” It’s kind of not because Mark doesn’t even know how someone like Jeno, who he isn’t close to, knows that he lived in Canada before. Not that it's a secret or anything but it’s just sort of odd.

 

“I have also been meaning to ask you if you could continue tutoring me?” Jaemin looks sort of nervous now and that’s the first inferior emotion Mark has ever seen from from Jaemin so he gapes at him. Jaemin must’ve thought Mark looked angry, or something because he continues hurriedly. “I mean, I know you’re a third year, and you’re busy, hyung! You were just sort of a good teacher, and I really want to improve my English grades. I totally understand if you decline, like you have priorities and--”

 

“Jaemin, stop,” Mark chuckles, and he continues, “I guess I can tutor you, but I can only do it once a week because my schedule is sort of full? Unless you want to do it on weekend. Like, the only time I can do it is on Friday after school. I can make time for you that day because I don’t have cram school.”

 

“Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s cool. That’s alright,” Jaemin mumbles demurely, and he bounces on his feet. “Yeah, I can do that, hyung.”

 

“So, is this why you bought me my drink? Bribery?” Mark teasingly asks, and he gets surprised when fear truly showed up in Jaemin’s orbs.

 

“No, no, hyung! I was really just at the convenience store when I saw you there! Then, I just thought I should buy you the drink because you _did_ help me but I guess it did seem that way, huh?” Jaemin stops, looking conflicted as he scratches his head. “Truly! I’m not lying, hyung!”

 

“Okay, cool, I was joking, anyways” Mark says, and he bumps his shoulder against Jaemin and notes with satisfaction the way he stumbles with a relieved laugh. “We’ll start next week at the library, yeah?”

 

“Cool,” Jaemin echoes, and he smiles tiredly at Mark. “I’ll get going now. Thanks, hyung!”

 

Mark’s walk to the subway station feels lighter.

 

-

 

Mark doesn’t iron his own clothes, and Donghyuck thinks he’s extremely lucky for that because being the eldest brother of four siblings mean that Donghyuck has to take care of himself and his mother dotes on the fourth child the most.

 

Mark’s mother irons his clothes and uniform, and Mark thinks it has been like that probably since birth. He is in his third year now, and he thinks his mother _should_ leave some responsibilities to him other than studying for his life, but his mother likes to take care of him, and Mark doesn’t really mind not having to take care of his laundry, so that’s okay. He likes watching his mother irons clothes. The way she does it is inconsistent because sometimes she would do it on a Saturday night when she has nowhere to be, and sometimes she would iron them on Sunday, and sometimes even the day before Mark has school. She would sit down on a chair, and iron clothes in front of the TV, and Mark would sit down on the couch in his parents’ room that is facing the TV. Mark likes it the most when he can catch her ironing on Saturday night because they talk. They talk about school, cafeteria, Donghyuck, Taeyong, anything that comes to mind, and his mum would sometimes tell him about an annoying co-worker while his father sometimes joins Mark on the sofa, but sometimes he also sleeps early. Tonight, he decides to join Mark on the sofa.

 

“I wonder how Taeyong is doing,” his mother asks over the hissing sound of the steam-powered iron.

 

“You could text him, you know,” Mark snorts as he reads through his Biology book for the next topic, but more to watching the drama shown on the TV. “You know he would reply, mum.”

 

“I did last night,” his father interjects. "He just said he’s busy studying. You know how it was in college. I just hope he isn’t doing drugs.”

 

“How did drugs even come about,” Mark mutters lightly under his breath.

 

“You don’t know how college is, Minhyung!” His father scolds lightly, and Mark has a feeling he is talking from experience so he stays quiet. He’d rather not listen to his father’s excursion during his college years. “And anyway, Taeyong likes it better when you ask how he is doing. You know he complains a lot about you not looking up to him.”

 

“What’s there to look up about hyung?” Mark mutters. Lie. a lot of things. Managed to get into one of the top 10 university in the country, plays badminton for his university, good looking, and has friends. Nothing, indeed.

 

“You studying well these days, Minhyung?” His mother asks instead, and Mark nods.

 

“Going pretty well, I think. The teachers aren’t complaining.”

 

“Donghyuck isn’t going to come over again? It has been so long since we have seen the boy.” Mark likes how his mother refers to both herself and his father when she talks just because she knows her husband that well to know that they share the same sentiment.

 

“Donghyuck has other friends, mum.”

 

“Well, how about you, Minhyung? Made some friends since the new semester started?” His father asks instead, and Mark just _knows_ that was coming.

 

“It’s same old, dad,” Mark shrugs. “I have my classmates. I’m not as alone as you make me out to be.”

 

“I know, Minhyung,” his mum laughs at him, and Mark wrinkles his nose, clearly annoyed. “But you’re not really super close with them, are you? Don’t you have a best friend or something?”

 

“There’s Donghyuck,” Mark shrugs again, and his mother gives him a look. “Fine, I did get to know someone from the second year when the school year started.”

 

More like Mark couldn’t stop looking at him, and now he is going to tutor him English. But, okay. Since when are they even friends? Like, they _have_ encountered each other like a lot of times already and the last two interactions weren’t too awkward. So, yeah, maybe they are friends. But maybe, they’re not in Jaemin’s eyes. But someone whom Mark didn’t have a hard time conversing with totally falls in the friends spectrum in Mark’s book. So.

 

“It’s always a wonder how your friends are always younger than you, Minhyung,” his father comments offhandedly, and both his parents share a laugh. Okay, so Mark has never really considered that. He, of course, has his peers that he talks to every day in class during lessons and sometimes break, but they’re not truly his friends. They’re just his classmates going through high school. So his father is right. All his friends are younger than him.

 

“You two should make up your mind. When I get a new friend, you tease me like this,” Mark whines lowly, and his mother who stands up from her chair hands him a basket full of his clothes, and ruffles his hair lightly, putting the hangered ones over Mark’s body that elicits a small _oof_ from him. “Muuuum.”

 

“Sorry, Minhyung. You’re just too cute,” his mother says, and Mark huffs as he lifts the hangered clothes carefully off of him, and immediately crinkles his nose when he is greeted by the sight of his parents cuddling on the sofa his father is sitting on.

 

“You two are disgusting,” Mark says lowly, and he exits his room with his hands full, and both his parents laugh at him again. He wonders briefly why exactly did the universe make two of the most annoying people in the world be destined with each other.

 

-

 

Tutoring session with Jaemin is nice. Just because Mark is really comfortable with speaking English, he can teach Jaemin to do it comfortably, too. Except Jaemin is such a fast learner that by the time they had their third tutoring lesson Mark doesn’t even think Jaemin needs him anymore beside for minor polishing that he can probably do in his own time.

 

Jaemin is also a nice company, and he’s sort of the cool kid. And Mark doesn’t know if it is just him but every time he has his tutoring session with Jaemin, there just must be this group of girls that hang around the library. Mark supposes Jaemin does look nice while studying. But then again he looks nice all the time, so Mark doesn’t know why those group of girls think it’s a good idea to watch Jaemin study for two hours straight. But anyway, okay. Jaemin is a sight while studying. With his furrowed eyebrows as he tries to understand the particular technique for answering a particular question. The way he runs his fingers through his hair is sometimes nice to look at, and Mark sometimes find himself a little awed that Jaemin is just this good looking.

 

So they do get close during their tutoring session. It’s impossible to not get a little strayed away when they have their tutoring session. Jaemin sometimes get interested at the sentence example (“Eleven dogs, blank space, can be carried by a huge SUV. What? Who needs eleven dogs, hyung? But back home, my neighbour had six, so maybe, yeah, okay.”). But still, it’s a surprise when Jaemin offers to get food with him after they’re done with their tutoring session. It starts like this:

“Hyung, want to get dinner together?” Jaemin offers after they finish, and is just packing up. Outside, the afternoon sun is still shining albeit a little less bright since it’s already around six pm. Mark looks at him in surprise.

 

“You mean now?”

 

“No, hyung, during breakfast tomorrow.”

 

“Screw off.”

 

“Okay, okay, sorry,” Jaemin laughs. “Yeah, of course I mean now. I’m really tired of dorm food.”

 

Right, Jaemin lives in the dorm. Mark learns bits and pieces about Jaemin as they continue to have their tutoring session. Some of them are totally things people would probably deem as mundane if it was something from someone like Mark. But since Jaemin is, like, Jaemin. Those little things about him sound nice and interesting. Like the fact that Jaemin likes sushi the best, but the last time he had it was during the winter vacation with his mother, the fact that Jaemin likes rainy days the best because he sleeps better when it’s pouring outside, and also the fact that Jaemin is apparently super whiz in Chemistry. And sometimes, it’s something totally not mundane like, he sleeps with his boxers and shirt only, Lee Jeno and Huang Renjun are apparently his dorm mates, and Jaemin moved here without his parents because their school is a good Science school.

 

“You can come over to mine if you miss home-cooked food?” Mark offers lightly, and just as he said the words, a pang of regret washes over him. Not because he doesn’t want Jaemin to not feel homesick, but also because he just knows if Jaemin comes over his parents will interrogate him to death. But then, Jaemin’s eyes are already lighting up, and really who is he to take back his words? He’s not someone who kicks dogs.

 

“Really?” Jaemin asks, but Mark knows he wants to, so Mark takes out his phone with a heavy heart to text his mum that he’ll be bringing company. “Yeah, of course, dude. My mum would be ecstatic.”

 

The whole short subway ride, they talk. And every time Mark talks with Jaemin, it always surprises him just how easy Jaemin is to talk to. They can literally be talking about anything, and it wouldn’t be awkward. It’s definitely because Jaemin is an easy person to talk to because Mark knows he isn’t an easy person to talk to with how awkward and stoic he can be sometimes. So, it’s totally Jaemin’s doing. And maybe, that’s also one of the qualities of Jaemin that Mark really likes, too.

 

“Just so you know,” Mark begins as they ride up in the elevator of his apartment complex. “My parents are sort of really really nosy. So, like, they really will keep asking you questions. Especially since, uh, you’re only like the second friend I’ve ever brought home.”

 

“That seems like small price to pay for a home-cooked meal, hyung,” Jaemin laughs, and he pats Mark’s shoulders comfortingly. “Don’t worry, parents usually like me.”

 

 _Well, yeah. No surprise there,_ Mark thinks. But he says it again, just in case. “They’re like, really, really, really annoying. I’m crazy for them, but like. Really.”

 

“You’re crazy for them, that’s cute,” Jaemin comments lightly, and he shoots Mark a warm smile, and Mark looks away, feeling the hunger churn inside of him. “And I know. Okay, don’t worry. You have that little faith in me?”

 

“You have been warned,” Mark halfheartedly says, and he chuckles. They exit the elevator as it opens, and walks to Mark’s front door, where Mark is just halfway into punching in their house code when the door bursts open before Mark even finished punching it all in. Jaemin looks at the opened door in surprise, but immediately arranges his expression into one of politeness and that--that _smile._ Mark knows immediately that his mother is floored.

 

“You must be Minhyung’s friend! Come in, come in,” His mother exclaims, and they both enter the small space where they take off their shoes. And Mark can see just as he steps his foot into the living room that his father had rushed out of the kitchen to quickly say his greetings to Jaemin.

 

“I thought Minhyung was lying when he said he’s bringing someone home,” his father says warmly, and oh God. Mark rolls his eyes, ignoring the mortification he feels as he clears his throat.

 

“This is Jaemin. My friend. Not an imaginary one, guys,” Mark mumbles, and they both snort at him while Jaemin laughs along, clearly finding the whole thing amusing, too. And so, it begins.

 

-

 

The whole dinner is anything, but awkward. Jaemin is a total sweetheart, and Mark knows already that his parents like Jaemin a lot. But then again, who wouldn’t? Mark was already on his knees just the first time he saw Jaemin, so maybe this whole liking Jaemin thing is genetics. But, it may have something to do with the fact that Jaemin is just..a really nice person. He’s easy to talk to, and he’s polite. He also laughs at his parents’ joke, so of course that earns him a place in their heart. His parents aren’t really super embarrassing, except for the more than one occasion they call Mark out for not having friends during dinner. They ask all the questions that parents ask, like, how the both of them got to know each other, why Jaemin is staying in the dorms after they found out Jaemin is staying at the dorms, and they ask how Mark is at school.

 

It’s after dinner, and Jaemin even offers to clean the dishes, but of course his mother vehemently declines, and tells him that it’s alright. They usher Jaemin and Mark out when Jaemin excuses himself out and says that he has to return to his dorm.

 

“Wait, why am I out here?” Mark asks as his parents usher the two of them out.

 

“What do you mean, why?! Go accompany him to the subway station of course. What else?! He’s not from this neighbourhood, Minhyung!” his mother scolds, and his father laughs at him from the kitchen over the sounds of the water running as he washes the dishes.

 

“Oh, yeah, right,” Mark coughs awkwardly.

 

“Thank you for having me, auntie! The food was really nice,” Jaemin politely says, as he suppresses his laugh.

 

“Of course,” his mother says, patting Jaemin’s head with a motherly smile on her face. “You’re welcome any time.”

 

Mark thinks so too.

 

They both exit the apartment, and go down the elevator together in a relative silence. Jaemin laughs as they enter the elevator, a small, content, and breathless laugh, as he shoots Mark a smile. “Your parents are really nice, hyung.”

 

“Mhm, they are, aren’t they? But they weren’t too overbearing, right?” Mark asks, concerned, and Jaemin only waves him off tiredly as the exit the elevator.

 

“So, you’re called Minhyung at home?” Jaemin asks instead as they both exit the lobby of Mark’s apartment complex, and to the night.

 

“Ugh, I knew you were gonna point that out,” Mark mumbles as he puts his hands in the pockets of his slacks. “But yeah, it’s my Korean name.”

 

“Minhyung,” Jaemin repeats, and he drapes his arm over Mark’s shoulder that makes Mark grunts at the weight, his cheeks feeling hot at the close proximity of Jaemin’s face.

 

“Where’s the hyung, Jaemin?” Mark scolds lightly, and Jaemin laughs. His breath close, and perhaps that kind of after dinner smell should be gross, but Mark is not even bothered as he they walk haggardly to the subway station.

 

“Minhyung-hyung,” Jaemin giggles, and Mark can’t help but chuckle. “I'm called Nana back at home.”

 

“Nana,” Mark repeats, just to piss Jaemin off, and he gets the reaction he wants when Jaemin lightly pinches his arm where his hand rests on. “That’s a very cute name, isn’t it?”

 

“If you say so,” Jaemin teases, and he looks at Mark, eyes bright under the small amount of light around the pedestrian walkway, almost to the subway station. Mark looks at him, and looks down because suddenly the close proximity is too much for him to handle, but the warm gaze still carves a smile on his face. “I actually memorised the way to the subway station since I was scared you would leave me, or something.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me, then?” Mark asks, and they both go down the stairs to the station, still attached to each other, and is probably looking like two very stupid high school students, which, to be fair, is what they are.

 

“Dunno. Wanted to talk to you,” Jaemin laughs, and he pulls his arm away from Mark to walk properly, and Mark’s tummy feels weird at the loss of heat.

 

“You just wanted to make hyung feel tired, didn’t you?” Mark teases, and they’re reaching the part where they have to scan their subway card to get through so they both stop.

 

“Really wanted to just talk to you,” Jaemin shrugs, and Mark coughs awkwardly, nodding, accepting Jaemin's answer. “Bye, hyung. I’ll see you on Monday.”

 

“Text me when you get to the dorms,” Mark blurts out, just as Jaemin passes through the scanner. Jaemin turns to look at him in surprise. Probably because they never really text except if they change place for tutoring, and to ask if tutoring is still happening. So this is really a surprise. Even to Mark who was the one to utter those words.

 

“I will,” Jaemin laughs, and gives one last wave at Mark with a warm smile on his face as he runs to the subway.

 

-

 

 **From:** **_Na Jaemin (Tutor)_ **

_-just got home, sir_

 

 **From:** **_mark lee (Tutor_ ** **_)_ **

_-Good job._

 

 **From:** **_Nana Jaeminnie_ **

_-i’m pretty sure jeno n renjun r angry at me bc i had real food without him_

 

 **From:** **_minhyung-hyung_ **

_-Tell them Mark-hyung is sorry_

 

 **From:** **_Nana Jaeminnie_ **

_-they said it’s okay. And next time i come over i need to bring him some of ur mum’s food_

 

 **From:** **_minhyung-hyung_ **

_-Who said you’re gonna come over again_

 

 **From:** **_Nana Jaeminnie_ **

_-your mum said i’m welcome any time soon, hyung ;)_

 

 **From:** **_minhyung-hyung_ **

_-Dang it_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so long what an actual hell hahahahahahahah sorry! i really can never be satisfied with my writing oh god. i know it's only the second chapter and this looks like nothing happened but uhhh i promise there will be some things going on aaaaahhh. 
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated :)


	3. you're too much (but i like it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took long. did it? did it not? idk (and i just realised that at the first chapter i said that i'm almost finished writing. i'm apparently Not)
> 
> chapter title is from loco's new song ft dean!

Here’s the thing about just knowing someone.

 

It’s not knowing where you stand with them. Or maybe not knowing where you are _supposed_ to stand with them. Because to a certain degree, Mark knows that he likes hanging out with Jaemin and is comfortable with Jaemin. He can talk freely with Jaemin without worrying that he will sound stupid. He can voice out his opinions without worrying over the fact that Jaemin might get offended. He can, well, do stuffs with Jaemin without it being awkward. So, okay, they’re friends. Albeit the little age difference. They’re friends. But sometimes, things like _are they really friends_ cross Mark’s mind because he is annoying and likes to obsess over the smallest details. But also to a certain degree, he is not sure if he is even supposed to feel comfortable with Jaemin. Because he has only known Jaemin personally for literally only two months. When you put it into that perspective, Mark really, really, shouldn’t feel as comfortable as he is right now with Jaemin. Because it takes Mark almost a year to feel fully comfortable with Donghyuck, who is his, well, best friend, Mark guesses (don’t tell Donghyuck). The fact that Jaemin can easily slip into Mark’s life comfortably like he is meant to be there all along is sort of… Well.. Yeah.  

 

Jaemin is starting to eat his lunch with him now, so Mark knows for sure that they are friends. Because lunch is different, and Mark knows that there’s sort of this silent rule established that people only eat lunch with people they are close to. So Mark guesses they _are_ friends. No need to freak out over the small period of time they got close. Because Mark supposes what happens. Well, happens.

 

Jaemin comes to his table suddenly in somewhere in May when Mark is perched on his usual table, alone, with his phone on his left hand, scrolling through the current book PDF that he is reading with full concentration, his right hand eating his lunch absentmindedly, not really hungry but more of just to fulfill his responsibilities to just eat to live. The familiar thunk of the bottom of the tray colliding with the table makes Mark look up. The words _excuse me_ are on the tip of his tongue because he knows Donghyuck won’t eat with him today, and whoever sits in front of him can fuck off because there are other vacant seats that are far away than him. But the words are lodged in his throat as he sees Jaemin sitting down on the chair in front of him with a smile.

 

“Hey, hyung,” Jaemin says cheerily, and he picks up his chopsticks. “Anyone sitting here?”

 

Mark swallows back his words, and locks his phone, pocketing it. “People usually ask that question before they sit down and pick up their chopsticks, but thanks for asking, I guess. No one is sitting here.”

 

“That’s because I know no one is really sitting here!” Jaemin replies cheekily, and he starts eating with a pointed and somehow scolding look on his features. “Why are you always eating alone anyway? Eating with someone is always better.”

 

Mark grunts. He doesn’t really know, and it doesn’t really cross Mark’s mind that he is always eating alone. But he guesses, he does always eat alone. The only time he is not eating alone is when Donghyuck comes eat with him which is usually only once a week, at most, since he has other friends that Mark isn’t really friends with. It’s not that Mark hates eating with people, or particularly likes eating alone. He honestly just doesn’t have that much friends for him to hang out with. But he isn’t going to admit it to Jaemin who probably can’t even relate. He is just going to sound like a sore loser.

 

Which, to be fair, he kind of is. 

 

“Eating alone is okay,” Mark chooses to say. That isn’t exactly a lie. He is okay with eating alone. But that’s that.

 

“I’ll eat with you from now on,” Jaemin declares broadly, and Mark snorts.

 

“Pity eating partner? No, thanks, dude.”

 

“This isn’t _pity,_ you stupid--”

 

“Last time I checked, I am the one who is tutoring you, and not you tutoring me. I am anything, _but_ stupid, you brat,” Mark grumbles, and he kicks Jaemin’s shin below the table gently which elicits a groan from him. “And I’m doing it for free, Jaemin. Can you imagine that? Free stuff? In our world?”

 

“Wait, so you want me to pay you?” Jaemin asks, confused, and Mark’s mind immediately freezes. Shit, he said something stupid.

 

“No, you stupid, it’s a joke,” Mark mumbles softly, and he can feel the way his blood runs through his veins, his face feeling hot at how Jaemin is so taken aback.

 

“Oh,” Jaemin says, and he spoons a mouthful of his food in his mouth in thoughts, arranging his words while Mark sits and wallow in his stupidity. “I guess I can pay you. I know my parents wouldn’t mind if I ask for a little bit more money to pay you. You are helping me quite loads, and my grades have impro--”  


“No, shut up. I’m stupid. It’s a joke, Jaemin. Shut up. I don’t want you to pay me. It’s a joke, okay? I’m a joke,” Mark rambles, and Jaemin only laughs. “Back to you eating lunch with me. Shut up.”

 

“Okay, okay,” Jaemin relents, and he drums his fingers on the table as he chews on his food. “Anyway, yeah. I want to eat lunch with you. I always see you alone during lunch unless Donghyuck comes here and accompany you. I don’t like eating alone. I have no idea how you could survive the whole time.”

 

Mark bites his tongue. The urge to explain that it’s not that he doesn’t like to eat with people, it’s that he just doesn’t have that much--wait, any, friends to eat lunch with. It’s not like he can call Donghyuck to eat lunch with him every time just because he is feeling a tiny bit alone. Donghyuck has other cooler and funnier (Mark is a little bit funny) friends that he hangs out with. He has homework to complete during lunch. He has, well, other people while Mark just has himself, Donghyuck, and well, Jaemin. His classmates don’t count. Because they only talk to Mark in class, and Mark can handle that just fine. Mark can handle a tiny bit of loneliness. He’s not even lonely for Fuck’s sake. People just like to assume he is because he’s always alone unless he’s spotted with Donghyuck or, well, including Jaemin now, maybe. He’s not. He can handle being alone.

 

“Don’t want any second years to bug me, y’know,” Mark teases instead, and then he grips his pants. Wait, was that offensive?

 

Jaemin snorts.

 

“Yeah, right. You’re grateful I’m here, aren’t you?” Jaemin teases, and he puts a great amount of food on his spoon, and gives it to Mark, and Mark has no choice, but to eat the offered food. The fact that this is the first time he is sharing the same eating utensils as someone rings in his head. He ignores it.

 

“My ass, Jaemin.”

 

Yeah, grateful my ass. Grateful that other people aren’t looking at him curiously because he isn't eating alone anymore? Grateful that people are only looking at him now because he is hanging out with one of the kid in the hot news now? Grateful that he doesn’t have to ignore the people’s looks by reading? Grateful that Jaemin crashes into his life? Yeah. More like yeah, right. Right?

 

-

 

“Did you know that English is the second most spoken language in the world, hyung?” Jaemin asks as he chews on the cap of his pen. A bad and disgusting habit he has that Mark tries to ignore.

 

They’re at the library. Not because of their tutoring session, but because Mark has free time that afternoon after class so he decides to go to the library and start on his homework. And of course, naturally at the point, Jaemin finds out his plan when Mark lets it slip during lunch, and insists that he is coming with Mark to the library because he has some questions about his homework for Mark, and Renjun and Jeno have club practices that afternoon, so he wants to wait for them before going back home because a silent dorm can get a little bit creepy for him.

 

“No,” Mark replies as he looks up from his Chemistry work, and Jaemin is looking at him thoughtfully. “Really? What’s the first most spoken language, then?”

 

“Chinese. Can you believe that shit?” Jaemin exclaims, and not getting a shush from the library just because he has easily become the librarian’s favourite because Jaemin is annoying and is liked by everyone.

 

“Well. Since a walking encyclopedia just told me that I guess I must believe it, don’t I?” Mark teases, and he gives a little laugh right after he says it.

 

“Yep! I’m like, your most trustworthy source of facts, hyung. Trust me,” Jaemin beams brightly, and he looks down at his work. “I’ve been meaning to say this, but your reason for that reversible reaction question is wrong.”

 

“What?” Mark looks down on his paper. Inspecting the question twice, then looking back at the equation given, and then looking at his answer. State and explain what will happen to the equilibrium when pressure is increased. The equilibrium will favour the backward reaction because it has less number moles of gas, yada, yada. “It’s right, though?”

 

“No, the mole for that one isn’t counted because it’s not gas, hyung,” Jaemin says lightly, and he leans forward, taking Mark’s mechanical pencil from Mark’s hand gently, and circling the reactant that is not gas, while Mark stays silent. “There. For reversible, only gas is affected by pressure, remember?”

 

Shitttttttt.

 

“Yeah,” Mark coughs out, and he sits lifts his leg up to his chair, sitting comfortably, ignoring the little way his heart shutters. “Right. Saved my life there, dude. Thanks. You’re a Chem whiz. Totally forgot.”

 

“Yep, trust me, hyung,” Jaemin says again, and Mark laughs, taking the pencil from Jaemin’s hand, but Jaemin tightens his grip on the pencil, making Mark look up at him in confusion. Jaemin then pouts, and Mark immediately gets it. As stupid as that fucking sounds.

 

“Yeah, yeah. I trust you, don’t worry.”

 

Jaemin beams. He beams like those words are the most valuable word he has ever heard.

 

“And like, did you know that English is apparently the easiest language to learn? You know what I say to that? Bullshit. Why am I still struggling, then?” Jaemin asks, and he finally lets go of that pencil, and Mark can finally fucking _breathe._

 

-

 

Mark is in his classroom, explaining a Chemistry theory to a classmate with his head bent on the table, his hand scribbling on the foolscap paper, writing down the theory simply as a little note while his classmate next to him listen when he is called by other classmate who tells him that Donghyuck is calling him. Not even _that second year_ but Donghyuck, because Donghyuck is literally _that_ knownin the school. Mark excuses himself from his classmate, promising to explain once he knows what Donghyuck wants.

 

“What?” Mark asks as he exits his classroom with furrowed eyebrows. “You never see me during the end of lunch break. What do you want?”

 

“Ah, hyung,” Donghyuck whines, and he leans on the window of Mark’s classroom so that his back is facing the classroom, and Mark can already see the inquiring stares of his classmates. “So hostile, aren’t you? I just want to see you for a while. We still have like twenty minutes of lunch break, and I have literally not seen you in ages.”

 

“You can text me, you know. I reply to my texts, unlike you,” Mark sneers, and he looks away from the inquiring stares. “Forreal, what do you want?”

 

Donghyuck pouts. “I did wanna see you! Which is why I can’t text you, stupid. How can I see your face over texts, huh? And I do this thing called selective replying, okay?”

 

“You’re stalling,” Mark grunts, and he stomps on Donghyuck foot as gently, but also a little roughly just so it hurts a little. “What do you want?”

 

“Hyuuuuung,” Donghyuck whines, and he stumbles a little as he grips his foot that was stepped on. “You’re so mean. And you look so dead. When was the last time you even combed your hair? It looks so messy, dude.” Donghyuck raises his hand, and he fixes Mark’s hair to make it look a little more presentable, and Mark grumbles even more. “You third years. Don’t even know how to look after yourself.”

 

“Shut up, you're gonna be like this next year,” Mark sighs. “You’re not here to be my mum, aren’t you?”

 

“No, I’m here to ask you where Jaemin is,” Donghyuck replies cheekily, and Mark narrows his eyes at him. “Don’t look at me like that! I have the rights to ask! I’m your best friend, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”  


“Tell _what?"_  Mark grumbles, and already from the name alone, he can feel something uncomfortable pools in his tummy. “Why are you even asking me about Jaemin? Isn’t your class literally next to him? You’re teasing me, aren’t you?” Mark is ready to step again on Donghyuck’s foot when Donghyuck avoids it quickly.

 

“Well, tell me how close you two have gotten! I literally had to hear it from the grapevine. My own best friend! From the grapevine! I should be the one to spread it around that you’re hanging out with one of the cutest kid in school,” Donghyuck says, and he hooks his arms around Mark’s neck, quickly trapping him in between his forearm and limb, and Mark elbows him weakly.

 

“Ah, you’re the devil, really,” Mark whines, and he relents after the Donghyuck’s hold becomes tighter. “What do you even want to know? I’m tutoring him, and he eats lunch with me. That’s it. What else is from the grapevine? And Jaemin is cute? What?”

 

The grip relatively loosens, and Donghyuck pauses in thought. “Jaemin is a cute boy. Many girls like him, you know (“I know, you told me this,” Mark mumbles, and Donghyuck ignores him). But you eat lunch with him? I didn’t know about this?! No wonder Jeno told me that Jaemin has been disappearing during break time! What else have you been hiding from me?”

 

“Nothing! And I am not hiding anything from you, stupid,” Mark coughs out, and he tries to get away from Donghyuck’s headlock again. ''The whole Jaemin thing just happened naturally, you know. It just didn’t cross my mind that it would be important to you. And let go of me, the hell, Hyuck?!”  


“Stupid excuse,” Donghyuck replies, and he finally lets go of Mark. “Of course I wanna know! I’m your best friend, you know?”  


“I get it the first two times you have said that,” Mark mumbles, and he kicks Donghyuck’s shoes softly. “Get back to class, you brat. Classes are starting.”

 

“Fine. But promise to tell me things, hyung!” Donghyuck whines yet again, and this time Mark can’t help but to give Donghyuck’s hair a little ruffle which he grumbles at. “It feels horrible for my other friends know things about you first before me, y’know? Tell me things, okay?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Screw off,” Mark waves him off as he opens the door of his classroom, and Donghyuck gives a little salute to him before running off to his class. Mark enters his classroom to quite a few curious glances, and Mark knows that someone will snap soon, and he’ll be interrogated.

 

“So, you look close with Donghyuck,” the girl sitting in front of Mark says, quickly turning back to face Mark just as Mark slides into his seat. Mark looks at her, a poorly concealed surprise on his face.

 

“Yeah, we’re best friends,” Mark says automatically, and it sounds fucking ridiculous now that he has said it out loud that he wonders how Donghyuck could just flaunt it freely (but with his high self-confidence, it really shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s the fact that it’s _Mark_ that he is flaunting is a surprise), so he bites his tongue, and calls out to the classmate that he was teaching earlier to come to him so he can continue explaining.

 

“Really? Since when?” The girl continues, clearly restless until she knows the exact answer.

 

“Well--”  


“Since forever? I thought you have noticed Mark with Donghyuck before. I saw them eating together all the time,” another classmate interjects, and Mark hears a series of agreement coming from others.

 

“I didn’t know that,” the girl pouts, and Mark only gives a polite laugh, wanting this conversation to end, but she continues, oblivious. “And I heard that you’re close with Na Jaemin, too? How are you even friends with all of these popular kids, Mark?”

 

“Yah, that’s rude,” a classmate says, and the girl’s eyes widen in comprehension.

 

Mark stays silent. And he only shrugs. “They’re nice people. They don’t really look at the social status here,” Mark says bluntly, and the girl colours, and Mark continues to teach his classmate the topic he is struggling with, telling the girl clearly that the conversation is over. Done.

 

-

 

“I really don’t know how third years survive,” Jaemin says as a greeting when Mark comes out of the academy with his head down. Mark looks at him, surprised, because once again, it’s already almost twelve in the morning, and Mark just came out of his session in the cram school. The cram school is actually fairly close to the school’s dormitories, but it’s still a surprise that Jaemin is here.

 

“Oh, hey. What are you doing here? Did you have extra night classes at school?” Mark asks slowly, but Jaemin offers his hand that contains strawberry milk and a chocolate bar that Mark knows he shouldn’t be eating because the sugar might keep him up, so Mark stalls. “For me?”

 

“No, for my friend called Minhyung,” Jaemin replies bluntly, and Mark blinks at him in confusion.

 

“You have a friend who has the same name as me?” Mark asks blankly, and Jaemin lets out a laugh, and somehow, _somehow,_ his sleep-deprived mind decides to conjure up the word _pretty._

 

“No, it’s a joke, stupid,” Jaemin chuckles, and he takes Mark’s hand and places the milk and chocolate in Mark’s hand, and Mark only looks at him blankly, albeit he feels strangely warm at the way Jaemin gently cradles Mark’s hand, after putting the snacks on Mark’s palm. The worst thing? The hold stays there. Even as they sit on the stairs leading up to the entrance of the academy. “I guess I need to keep in mind that your humour is gone when you are tired, huh.”

 

“Yeah, no one really talks to me at eleven, so I didn’t know my sense humour stops at this hour,” Mark mutters lowly, and oh my God, make him stop talking. Mark reluctantly lets go of the gentle hold Jaemin has on his hand, and he opens the chocolate bar. “Let’s share. I can’t be the only one who has sugar rush tonight.”

 

Jaemin chuckles, and they share the chocolate in relative silent. Mark isn’t really thinking. He’s just staring blankly at the store in front of him that is closing down, while Jaemin also seems to be doing the same thing. A question that Mark has forgotten is once again conjured in his mind, so he lets out a small _oh_ that attracts Jaemin’s attention. “What?”

 

“What are you doing here, anyway? Did you have night class earlier?” Mark asks again, and he studies Jaemin who colours a little at the question but keeps his composure and lets out a little cough to cover up the way he got flustered.

 

“Well, nothing. I know you have academy today, so I just came to gave you food. I know you don’t like it if you accidentally fall asleep in the subway. Afraid of missing your stop and all that,” Jaemin replies slowly, and Mark swallows the lump in his throat.

 

Mark remembers the last time he said that. It was probably somewhere in April, a little fact that Mark inadvertently slips out when they were just talking about random things. Like when Jaemin shares the fact that he would prefer to die from a heat stroke rather than hypothermia, and Mark argues that it should be the opposite because it requires less energy for the body to heat itself up than making the body colder. And then Jaemin said that when you’re having a heat stroke, you get colder, and _then_ Mark argued that that just means that you have already at the verge of death in which Jaemin had no argument to. It’s those kind of random talk that you have where you just say anything that comes up in mind, and apparently, at that time, Mark was talking about his fear of sleeping in public transportation. It’s just a surprise that Jaemin even remembers something so..mundane. So unimportant.

 

“Oh, you remember,” Mark points out weakly, and Jaemin looks at him in surprise.

 

“Of course I do. Why shouldn’t I?”

 

_I’m unimportant. I’m wondering why you’re putting so much effort in this friendship that I feel like isn’t going to work. You’re sort of perfect, and is liked by pretty much everyone, and I’m fucking bland. I’m a fucking over-thinker and I think. A lot. I sometimes think that Donghyuck doesn’t even want to be my friend since he has other friends who are cooler. Hell, I’m even wondering why the fuck you’re even friends with me. I’m a fucking loser sometimes, and I get too lonely because the only people I hang out with are you and Donghyuck. But even with you, I get insecure just because I feel like you’re hanging out with me out of pity. I also feel kind of lonely sometimes, but it’s harder to ignore that especially today. And yeah. Nothing._

 

“Nothing,” Mark mumbles. God, never let him talk to someone when he is out of his mind like this.

 

Jaemin nudges him gently. “You’re kind of hard to _not_ remember, hyung.” Jaemin makes the move to run his fingers through Mark’s hair, and Mark’s breath almost stops. He does it, and the way Mark is feeling when he does it is way different than earlier, when Donghyuck did it. He feels warm. He feels happy. And he feels like flying. “Look at you, you’re a mess. Just because exams are around, you’re gonna neglect looking handsome at school, hyung?”

 

Fuck. Mark is gone.

 

-

 

Bliss really doesn’t last for a very long time, Mark realises. It must be because July is coming. Because previous months sort of him treat him nicely, and now God is punishing him for having a good life all these time. Misery comes in the form of three gross teenage boys bounding up Mark’s (and Jaemin’s) unlabelled, but known, lunch table, and putting their trays on the available seats where Mark and Jaemin don’t occupy. Misery comes in the name of Lee Donghyuck, Lee Jeno, and Huang Renjun. Misery comes in the form of not having a quiet lunch with only Jaemin, and misery comes in the form of the second years pestering him and people staring at him because he is hanging out the popular folks in the school.

 

“You two should really learn how to share,” Renjun says as he shoves his lunch down his throat, and Mark can only look at him in confusion.

 

“What do you mean?” Mark asks. He doesn’t really know anything about Renjun except for the fact that he is in one sports club (was it badminton?), he’s in second year, he’s one of Jaemin’s roommates, and is Jaemin’s friend.

 

“What he means is you two should have invited us to sit with you two!” Jeno interjects since his mouth is not full of food. “Like, Mark-hyung, do you know how many times we have pestered Jaemin about where he is going during lunch? Uncountable. He literally never tells us. It’s so unfair. We wanna get to know you too! He doesn’t wanna share you, apparently.”

 

“Yeah, Jaemin,” Donghyuck agrees, and he goes to the extent of kicking Jaemin’s shin despite him being the farthest away from Jaemin. “Wanna keep Mark-hyung to yourself, don’t you?”

 

“No,” Jaemin grumbles, and his cheeks are red, so Renjun pinches one of it that has Jaemin huffing in annoyance. “Yes, I want him all by myself?! Are you all happy?”

 

Mark doesn’t know if he means it as a joke or not, but his heart unnecessarily speeds up, and the other boys hoot and crow like fucking animals, so Mark slaps Donghyuck’s shoulders to reprimand him. “Shut up. What are you all? Hooligans?”

 

“Boohoo,” Donghyuck mocks, and Mark is ready to slam this book he brought to Donghyuck’s head. “Okay, okay, sorry we’re wrecking the date. But you two can spend time with each other all you want. We’re gonna be eating lunch together from now on. No one says otherwise. It’s Donghyuck’s rules in this table, okay?”

 

“It’s my table first, though?” Mark interjects, and Donghyuck gives him a look that screams he doesn’t care, and they continue eating. Mark looks at Jaemin, and he sees him with a small scowl on his face, and Mark takes out his phone, and takes a picture of him discreetly.

  


**From:** **_minhyung-hyung_ **

_-Stop looking so scary [image]_

 

 **From:** **_Nana Jaeminnie_ **

_-stalker_

 

 **From:** **_minhyung-hyung_ **

_-Don’t be sad, dude. We can hang out w/o these ppl lol_

 

 **From:** **_Nana Jaeminnie_ **

_-promise?_

 

 **From:** **_minhyung-hyung_ **

_-Duh. Promise._

 

 **From:** **_Nana Jaeminnie_ **

_-:)_

 

-

 

Mark is just about to take up Taeyong’s offer of watching a movie together on their wireless TV when his phone rings at some rare free night he has just a week after the new school holidays start, and he decides that he needs a break. The whole break all Mark did was study and study, and study. If he doesn’t study, Mark is either out with Jaemin alone, or with the others because they’re apparently including Mark in their small little group. Mark is in his room, ready to haul his blanket and pillow to the living room to get comfortable and he can hear Taeyong preparing some kind of snacks for their movie. Taeyong is having his break, and it’s that point of the month that his parents ignore him a little to dote on Taeyong so life has been extra good to him. Mark looks at the phone and furrows his eyebrows when he sees that it’s Donghyuck calling. Not that that’s odd. It’s odd because it’s almost 10pm on a Saturday night which is usually when Donghyuck is either out or jacking off.

 

“Hello?” Mark asks as he answers the call. “What happened?”

 

“Look, hyung. Promise me to not freak out when I tell you this,” Donghyuck answers breathlessly on the other line and Mark is immediately worried.

 

“What happened? Did you get arrested or something, the hell Hyuck?” Mark asks worriedly, and he gnaws on his bottom lip worriedly, a bad habit he has when nervous. And also pacing around. Which is what he is doing in his room at the moment.

 

“No, just, fuck,” Donghyuck stops, and he takes a deep breath, and exhales. “Jaemin is _gay._ ”

 

“What?”

 

His blood feels like it freezes. Like everything in the room seems to do so, and Mark can feel his feet cemented on the cold floor of his room. Those words should have comforted him because Donghyuck isn’t in some kind of jail and _that’s_ a relief. But somehow, somehow, the words gay and Jaemin together makes his blood run even colder than the possibility of Donghyuck ended up in jail. _What?_

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Where the hell did you even hear this from?” Mark asks, and Donghyuck huffs tiredly.

 

“Rumours. Grapevine. My groupchats are going crazy. The kids are like freaking out because that’s exactly the reason why Jaemin has never really accepted any confessions from all those pretty girls," Donghyuck replies worriedly.

 

“Are you sure? Does Jaemin even know this is all happening?” Mark asks worriedly.

 

“Which is why I’m calling you, hyung,” Donghyuck replies quietly. "Has Jaemin called you or anything? Jeno said that Jaemin immediately stormed out of the dorm right after his phone was bombarded with texts and all which was around like 8 pm. And it’s late now, so Jeno and Renjun are really worried for him.”

 

“Shit,” Mark curses, and Donghyuck sighs. “No, he didn’t call me, or anything? Where the hell could he be?”

 

“Wait, Renjun just texted me,” and immediately after Mark could feel his phone vibrate which he guesses is also a text from either Renjun or Jeno. “He’s back now, but he’s locking himself up in his dorm room. Shit. What do we do, hyung?”

 

“Just leave him to cool down,” Mark says softly, and he sighs right after. “I need to go, Hyuck.”

 

Mark is just about to sit on his bed, his knees feeling weak at the recent news, when the door opens, and Taeyong’s head peaks out. “Hey, you still up for that movie night?”

 

“Yeah,” Mark answers weakly, and he takes his blanket and pillow to the living room, dragging them across the floor, and Mark knows Taeyong wants to point out how dirty that is and is resisting because Mark looks worn out. Taeyong plays the movie as they settle on the couch, and Mark could only watch blankly as the movie starts in a dining room with five people around a table.

 

He’s thinking about Jaemin because of course he is. And if he is a nicer friend, he would have called Jaemin first to check on him, but he’s apparently a bad person. No, okay, Mark is not. Mark refuses to be. But he just needs to think. The whole situation seems to be so big in Mark’s head when it is not supposed to be. His friend is gay. _Then,_ what? What?

 

“Hyung,” Mark softly says, and Taeyong’s eyes are still fixed on the screen, but Mark knows he is listening, so he continues. “What should you do if one of your friend is gay?”

 

Taeyong looks at him in confusion. Probably because this is the first time since Mark became a hormonal teenager that Mark has ever asked him for an advice. But he’s stumped, and Taeyong is just _there._ So, of course it’s inevitable.

 

“Well, what else should you do? Just support them, then,” Taeyong says, and he studies Mark for a few second. "Are they a guy?” Mark nods. “Is he your close friend?” Mark hesitates, but then, he nods. “Yeah, just support him, Mark. What else should you do? You’re not homophobic or anything, right?”

 

Mark chooses his words carefully. “I don’t _think_ I am.” Taeyong raises an eyebrow at that so Mark continues hesitantly. “But what if the thought of him being with a guy makes me sort of angry but also relieved?”

 

“Are you sure you aren’t homopho--”

 

“I don’t know. I think he’s pretty. But the thought of him being with a girl pains me, too. I’m pretty sure this isn’t homophobic, hyung. Unless it’s called heterophobic, too,” Mark sighs, and he cuddles further into his blanket. “What do you think, hyung?”

 

Taeyong laughs, and Mark is ready to kick him, and get angry when he continues on. “I think you like this pretty guy, Mark.”

 

“What?” Mark asks, and he sounds breathless as if he just ran. He can feel his blood rushing faster through his veins, and Mark knows that the answer hits home just by the way his body reacts to the answer given by Taeyong. “I can’t like him.”

 

“Why can’t you? He likes guys, doesn’t he?” Taeyong softly asks, and the amusement earlier is replaced by a look of concern.

 

“But he’s a guy,” Mark replies brokenly, and Taeyong sighs at him.

 

“Yeah. He’s a guy. So?”

 

“I think I need to lie down,” Mark mumbles softly, and Taeyong knows that he has to relent. He sighs, and he grabs Mark’s head, and pushes him down to his lap.

 

“It’s okay to like someone, Mark. Even if that someone is a guy,” Taeyong mutters softly after a while, and they’ve gone back to the movie. Taeyong runs his fingers through Mark’s hair, and bitterly, Mark remembers the way Jaemin did the same thing to him, but the comfort isn't the same as it did the time Jaemin did it to Mark.

 

 _Fuck,_ Mark thinks. _Everything reminds me of you now_.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMGGGGGGG i managed to finish it before ramadhan HAHAHAHAHAHA thank god. i hope everyone enjoys this chapter uwu
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated! this chapter is really carefully planned so i hope my efforts show? ahh. 
> 
> and also the movie they're watching here is actually an inspector calls LOLOLOL. just beacuse i just had my elit exam on that play hehe


	4. the way your nail glitters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been so long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i apologise profusely!! i know i haven't updated in so long, and i'm truly sorry, but i hope you can still enjoy this chapter? ;u; thank you for sticking around. it means a lot to me.
> 
> title is from dpr live's action!! (and i listened to lauv's paris in the rain for like most part, so i totally recommend heh)
> 
> enjoy reading! i'm sorry, once again! please forgive this bad writer <3
> 
> warning: unbeta'ed. as per usual

Admitting something that you have always kind of known your whole life has never really been an easy experience. Mark knows that now, at least.

 

The admittance didn’t really come suddenly. You don’t just wake up one day, and think, _okay, I’m gay._ At least, it’s not like that for Mark. It’s more of a piling up kind of thing. Something that you just realise kind of gradually. Being _gay,_ or at least, _liking males,_ have always been something Mark knows are existent inside of him. He knows to a certain degree he enjoys looking at boys, looking at their faces, and seeing the stubbles on their faces, and sometimes those thoughts would wander away to how Mark would like to touch the stubbles. That’s usually when Mark would snap back to reality, and think, _what the fuck, Mark._

 

Mark used to consider those things as shower thoughts. Shower thoughts are mindless, and stupid. Shower thoughts are things like, _would I rather not have wifi or phone?_ Shower thoughts are illogical thoughts that can be dismissed just because you’re too caught up in your own thoughts as you wash your hair away. _Those_ thoughts are sort of the ones you think of mindlessly, so yes, it can be considered as shower thoughts, but the difference between shower thoughts and well, _those_ thoughts, are perhaps shower thoughts happen in the, uh, shower, and _those_ thoughts appear when Mark looks at boys.

 

Jaemin, in particular.

 

Admitting that he _feels_ something for Jaemin isn’t particularly hard, when Mark thinks about it once. But when he thinks twice, it is. It’s sort of stupid, Mark thinks. How overwhelmingly belated this realisation is because it has _always_ been there, but Mark has just been too blind, or maybe too ignorant to notice it. Or perhaps Mark has just been ignoring it. That’s kind of plausible. Not being able to categorise his own feelings is perhaps another thing Mark has to get used to doing, like getting used to the fact that Mark likes boys and Jaemin in particular. Anyways, it’s stupidly, and annoyingly belated, because the signs have _always_ been there. The lingering stares Mark gives Jaemin, the eyes dropping sometimes to Jaemin’s slender hands, and things like, _Jaemin’s hands would look good in mine,_ and sometimes thoughts that are less than pure would appear, and Mark has to shake himself physically to stop himself from even _thinking._

 

It’s hard.

 

To stop thinking, that is.

 

It’s almost _sooneung._ Which is making Mark scared shitless because he has been preparing for this for so long, and if he fucks it up, he would be doomed for life, and ends up on the streets with no roof on top of his head. He’s exaggerating, of course. But the possibility is there. It’s always there, lingering, despite the supportive words from his parents and teachers who like him, which is, well, all his teachers, because Mark is a good student and every teachers like him. There are possibilities of Mark suddenly flunking, and there are possibilities of everything. Mark chooses to think when thoughts like this resurface that if there are a lot of possibilities, then Mark passing with flying colours must be one of it, too.

 

It’s hard to stop thinking about Jaemin, too.

 

But then ever since Jaemin comes knocking in Mark’s life, Mark doesn’t think he has ever stopped thinking about Jaemin. Even when Mark is not thinking about Jaemin, even when Mark isn’t thinking about a funny text Jaemin sent him, or one of their little shenanigans, it is as if there’s a little corner in his brain that is always so ever present to start thinking about Jaemin. It’s the most mundane things. It’s things like _Chemistry_ that makes Mark start thinking about Jaemin. Doing revisions for Chemistry, and then texting Jaemin things like _thinking about you,_ with his Chemistry study materials on his desk. Jaemin would respond with laughing sounds. It’s things like his mother getting a new toaster that makes Mark whip his phone out to start telling Jaemin all about it, and for Jaemin to respond with things like _I miss toast,_ along with a selfie of him pouting that Mark would _always_ save because Jaemin is beautiful.

 

Jaemin is beautiful, and it’s making Mark scared.

 

Mark is scared because _what’s next?_ There are no guidebooks that tell you what to do after you admit to yourself that you’re gay, and _okay,_ you might like one of your best friends. Mark likes Jaemin, and Mark may have an attraction to other males. Okay. Then, what? No one exactly tells Mark what to do after this, and Mark has the tingling sense that perhaps there are no exact and correct way to actually go through _this._ Mark doesn’t really know what to do. Mark just knows that he either fucks up, or doesn’t. Taeyong knows Mark likes males, definitely, he was there to pick that out of Mark when they were watching that movie, and the news of Jaemin being gay broke out. Mark trusts his brother enough for him to not tell his parents without Mark’s knowledge. Taeyong _is_ annoying at times, sure, but he’s not an asshole. Then, what? _What comes next?_

 

Mark doesn’t know, and he doesn’t even know if he wants to know. This is kind of a limbo. A timeframe where nothing feels right, and Mark wants more than anything to fast forward to ten years later to see what are the decisions Mark made during this time, just so that he can go through this as painless as possible. Seeing himself ten years later without experiencing anything surely would hurt less, right? But then Mark also wants to get it over with. There seems to be a morbid fascination in Mark’s brain about the _good_ possibility of all of this. Jaemin in his arms, and looking at him with the same, preferably more, love in his eyes, like how Mark looks at Jaemin, Mark notices. But then, Mark might just be in love with the thought of that. The thought of the _good,_ and only the good. Mark doesn’t know if he’s even ready to face the _bad_ possibility of this realisation.

 

And perhaps Mark never wants to.

 

Mark puts down his pen, and sighs, putting his head down on his desk, and his head hits the table with a small thunk.

 

Maybe it’s time for sleep.

 

-

 

Studying in the library may or may not be a good idea. Jaemin is studying, or at least trying his best, and Mark is, well, studying Jaemin.

 

Jaemin is biting on the cap of his pen, studying the question with scrutinising gaze, eyebrows furrowing, and the pen in his hand twirled around to keep him focused. Mark has his own Maths materials in front of him, spread out, and all over the place, like how Jaemin’s Physics worksheets are. Jaemin texted him right after Mark was done with his last class of the first day back to ask him help for his Physics. Mark readily agreed, because he’s an asshole, and wants to spend time with Jaemin, but tells himself that it’s because Mark was _also_ given things to finish up, and yeah, he was about to go to the library, too.

 

Jaemin looks up, and Mark immediately meets his eyes, which Mark feels like heating up shamefully at because Mark thinks he got caught staring, but it doesn’t seem like Jaemin even noticed. Jaemin pouts, his bottom lip jutting out in a _definitely_ exaggerated manner, and Mark can’t help, but let out a flustered chuckle.

 

Jaemin blinks, and says lowly. “I don’t get it, hyung.”

 

Mark doesn’t get it, either. How someone can look so beautiful, and have this much impact on Mark’s heart.

 

Mark coughs a little, and leans forward to look at the question he already explained to Jaemin, and asked Jaemin to do on his own first, and then come to Mark if he still doesn’t get it. Jaemin doesn’t get it, obviously, because the paper isn’t even scrawled with workings to work out the question, but just empty, probably like how Jaemin’s brain is right now. Mark looks up, and gives an incredulous look to Jaemin.

 

“I tried!” Jaemin says defensively, leaning forward, and resting his head on the table, and they’re kind of close. Jaemin is looking up at Mark, eyes adorable and huge, and Mark feels like kind of kissing him, but this is one of those morbid thoughts, so Mark only results to pinching Jaemin’s cheek that Jaemin only yelps at a little, but barely budges, still looking up at Mark, and Mark has to physically stop himself from heating up.

 

“I’m sure you did,” Mark replies sarcastically, and Jaemin barks out a good-natured laugh. Mark sort of can’t believe they’re already at that point in their friendship where they can joke around and insult each other without the other taking it to the heart. Mark can’t believe it because the only person he has reached _that_ point with is with Donghyuck. Now it’s Jaemin.

 

Mark is just continuing to reread the question until he could find a way to make Jaemin understand, when Jaemin speaks up. More like mumbles, since his head is still down, and his mouth is masked by his elbows now. “People are still looking.”

 

Mark freezes at that a little. Mark freezes a lot these days. Getting caught off guard, because he’s scared, and doesn’t know how to respond. Mark steals a glance at Jaemin, and sees that Jaemin is already looking at him. Mark looks around, and sure enough, Jaemin was right. People _are_ looking. Mark can almost hear the speculations in those people’s head, and Mark loathes how they turned away just when Mark caught their eyes. “Let them,” Mark snorts lightly, and continues jokingly. “It’s because you’re with the most beautiful boy in school, Jaemin.”

 

“You’re right,” Jaemin says, giggling a little, and he finally lifts his head up from the table, grinning at Mark, and _god,_ he’s so beautiful and amazing Mark could stare at him forever. Jaemin rests his elbow on the table, and places his chin on his palm, and blinks at Mark with a gorgeous grin on his face. “I am.”   


Mark doesn’t know what to make of that, and Mark’s stupid brain chooses to think that it’s, well, that. Flirting. But hope is a dangerous territory that Mark wants to step into, but also don’t want to, so Mark chooses to think about other things instead. Like how this is the first time since Jaemin being forced to come out that they’ve met. They’ve texted, of course. Jaemin texting Mark about homework, and sometimes asking Mark what he’s doing, and Mark replying with equivalents, and what not. But they didn’t really _meet,_ since the coming out happened just five days before school reopened. Mark feels shitty; that his texts asking if Jaemin was okay was ignored, and Jaemin replied as if nothing happened. Mark feels shitty because people are shitty towards Jaemin, and there was nothing that Mark could do to prevent it, except be there for Jaemin, so if Jaemin wanted to ignore things, then Mark will.

 

But now that Jaemin wants to talk and acknowledge what happened, so Mark will too.

 

“Are people being mean to you?” Mark asks softly. The question sounds so ineloquent. So stupidly _immature,_ just because of Mark’s choice of words, but since people wants to act like kids, Mark should use kids words.

 

Jaemin blinks slowly at Mark, and Mark holds that eye contact. Jaemin’s eyes are nice, Mark thinks. Big, wide, black, and contains all the secrets of the universe, but if Mark is to say it out loud, Jaemin would say to Mark that it’s physically impossible for eyes to be black, and Mark would laugh an incredulous laugh. If. If, that is.

 

“Kind of?” Jaemin asks questioningly. Jaemin leans back on his chair, and they’re not so close anymore, and Mark knows that the pang of regret he feels in his chest is just because they’re not so close in proximity anymore. Jaemin picks up his pen, and twirls it around his hand, looking around the library, and Mark can see from the corner of his eyes that people are looking away in alarm as Jaemin scans the library. “But not really. Does that make sense?”

 

Mark thinks it does. Mark sees it. The way people’s eyes are full of judgements and questions, but they’re too scared to say it to Jaemin, so they say it to their friends, and the friends pass it to their other friends, and it’s a never ending cycle of this person telling this person. That’s how grapevine happens anyways. From spreading of rumours, and supposed to be untold secrets, and unfounded rumours, which are all usually deceitful lies. Except in Jaemin’s situation, it’s not a lie.

 

Mark is okay with it not being a lie.

 

Mark is okay, because he is kind of selfish.

 

Mark nods slowly at Jaemin, and Jaemin looks a little bit surprised at the response, so he widens his eyes at Mark in question. “You get it?” Jaemin replies incredulously, the humour in his tone so apparent, that Mark feels like he _doesn’t_ get it.

 

Mark laughs. “I do.” Mark leans forward, and doodles mindless things on the paper, and Jaemin takes that as an invitation to join Mark, using his own pen to doodle on the paper, except Jaemin is drawing a flower. “So they were looking?”

 

Jaemin shrugs, the drawing of his flower faltering a little at the question, but he continues after giving a big sigh. “Yeah. This is only the first day back, hyung.”

 

Mark knows the underlying question beneath that complaint. But Mark is sort of shitty at giving comforting words, but since it’s Jaemin, Mark looks up at him, and shrugs, saying in his best comforting voice: “Exactly. It’ll dissipate, Jaemin. Trust me. People will find new things to talk about from the grapevine.”  


Mark doesn’t know why, but Jaemin laughs. He breathes out a laugh at first, and Mark doesn’t know what to make of that, so Mark stares, and Jaemin laughs again. This time Mark can sense relief in the way he throws his head back a little. Jaemin looks at Mark, nodding with a hint of satisfaction that Mark can see.

 

“You’re right, hyung,” Jaemin says, and he clicks his tongue, picking up his pen, and tapping Mark’s hand with it. “You’re right.”

 

“When am I not?” Mark asks back jokingly, and Jaemin snorts, and they go back to solving Jaemin’s Physics question.

 

-

 

There’s something about lists, Mark realises.

 

There’s something about lists that creates a sense of accomplishment in Mark’s head as he checks off the list one by one. Mark sometimes writes down his list. But mostly, Mark just does it in his head, ticking it off one by one. History notes? Check. Chemistry multiple choices? Check.

 

Confirmation about liking Jaemin has its’ own checklist, too. Mark’s fried brain from doing Maths decide to conjure up those checklist tonight. Mark thinks of Jaemin, which isn’t really a hard task, since Mark is always thinking of Jaemin even when he doesn’t _want_ to think of him. Which is kind of a rare occasion. Mark likes thinking about Jaemin. Mark likes the thought of Jaemin, and the possibility of what they could be, and how so much _more_ they could be together. Mark thinks of Jaemin because he’s sort of the light Mark needs under the dimming light, and looming date of _sooneung._

 

That’s kind of cheesy. It’s kind of cheesy how Jaemin is a solace Mark can settle in whenever things are particularly hard on Mark’s part, which is, well, all the time since Mark is _always_ thinking, and thinking does him no good at times. Maybe that should be the first thing Mark put in his checklist.

 

Does Jaemin make him happy? Definitely, always, indescribably. Mark sometimes categorise the happiness he feels whenever he’s with Jaemin because Jaemin is the only close friend he has when Donghyuck is not there. Because for the longest time, Donghyuck was sort of Mark’s only friend. Donghyuck was the one who was with Mark whenever Mark needed a friend, but Donghyuck was never the one Mark took solace in. Donghyuck was kind of the ‘can talk to comfortably’ friend, but Mark never really comes to Donghyuck whenever he has problems. Not like Mark ever has problems. The closest thing to an existential crisis Mark ever occurred was when Mark noticed for the first time that he liked boys, but he suppressed that thought so fast that it only came even more alive when Jaemin showed up in his life.

 

So, no. Jaemin definitely does not give Mark the happiness Donghyuck gives him platonically. That is obvious now. Jaemin makes Mark happy in the way that is sort of mundane. Jaemin makes Mark happy when he shows up when Mark finishes cram school with food, and Jaemin makes Mark happy when he eats lunch with Mark, and just talk to Mark. It’s kind of stupid. Because after talking to Jaemin, and Jaemin walks away from Mark, there’s always this little tinge of disappointment in his tummy. Like he doesn’t want Jaemin to go, and he wants to be with Jaemin forever, which is true, Mark notices. Mark is never one for socialising, his parents and Donghyuck can attest to that. Talking with people is tiring and done utterly out of obligation for Mark sometimes, and the people he talks to are his parents, Jaemin, Donghyuck, occasionally Renjun and Jeno, and sometimes Taeyong. But with Jaemin, Mark never wants to stop talking. It’s _comfortable._ Right from the first time they truly talked in the grocery store, it was comfortable, and Mark is laughing in disbelief at how alarmed he felt at the comfort when he talked with Jaemin when they met in the grocery store. It’s nice, and Mark wants more than anything to talk with Jaemin. About the universe, about the lines in his palms, about how beautiful Jaemin is, and practically anything.

 

So that’s established. Jaemin makes Mark happy. _Check._

 

Does Mark care about Jaemin? That’s kind of a laughable question because it’s obvious. It’s obvious how much Mark cares about Jaemin. Mark remembers the unfamiliar rush of fear in his veins when Donghyuck told Mark about Jaemin disappearing from the dorms after the news about his sexuality broke out. Mark remembers how kind of worried Mark was when he saw Jaemin when Mark was done with cram school, waiting for Mark. Irrational questions sometimes flew by in Mark’s head in a morbid manner during the times Jaemin waited for Mark. _What if Jaemin got killed?_ But those are kind of stupid, since there’s always a security nearby, so Mark brushed them away, and Mark approached Jaemin and took the food Jaemin had in his hand, and they talked so all those thoughts disappear, because Jaemin was there, and that was all that matters. Mark remembers the overwhelming need to take care of Jaemin sometimes. Jaemin lives so far away from his family. So the invitation to eat at Mark’s place was the first thing that Mark did. Jaemin came over sometimes after their first dinner with Mark’s parents. Sometimes randomly to study together, and hang out, and sometimes just because Mark’s mother wanted Jaemin to join them. It’s nice that Mark can kind of take care of Jaemin this way.

 

Mark can list out a thousand more things that confirms Mark likes Jaemin. But it’s almost one in the morning, and even when thinking about Jaemin makes Mark kick his blankets, grins foolishly to his ceiling, and eventually bury his face in his pillow, Mark has school in about five hours.

 

Mark hopes he dreams of Jaemin.

 

-

 

It’s dinner. It’s dinner, and nothing bad is supposed to happen.

 

Except, Mark says it.

 

It’s dinner, and on the table, there should only be rice, the food his mother cook, and definitely no phones, since phones are always off limits during dinner. Except now there’s also Mark’s confession.

 

“I like boys.”  


The conversation comes to a halt. It’s kind of funny because his parents were just running their mouths off, his mother talking bad about one of her coworker, and his father complaining about his boss, and how his boss asked him to replace her for a meeting last minute, which made his father pissed. It’s funny because it was supposed to be a normal dinner, and Mark doesn’t know why, but he got lost in his own thoughts, and now here they are.

 

“What was that, honey?” His mother asks, and Mark is still looking down on his rice, too scared to even look up to his parents. Various thoughts are flying through Mark’s head. Why did he suddenly conjure up enough courage to say those things? Why is he even telling his parents? There’s Donghyuck in the background teasing Mark about how close he is with his parents, so naturally, of course, he told his parents first. This might just prove how close they are.

 

Mark never wants to look up. The rice bowl is suddenly nice to look at forever, but then Mark thinks he has to get over this, or else he won’t be able to ever look at Jaemin’s face again, so Mark looks up, and Mark doesn’t know why he’s so surprised to find his parents looking at him with zero ounce of shock in their features. Mark doesn’t really know what to categorise it as. They look, well, mundane. They look totally normal, like Mark didn’t just say something completely unnatural and new. Like they’re willing to hear Mark.

 

“I like boys,” Mark says again, and Mark flushes a little because his voice is a little bit hoarse, and it’s obvious. His parents are nodding now, sharing a look with each other, and Mark only watches, gnawing on his bottom lip anxiously, waiting for his parents to say something. Mark doesn’t know what he wants to hear. Silence is kind of too loud, right now.

 

“Thanks for telling us, Minhyung,” his father says first, and Mark thinks that’s a good thing to hear. He has read worse stories from the internet that are posted by kids who came out. Mark is looking down again, too intimidated to look at his father, but his father sighs, and Mark winces a little. “Look at us, Minhyung.”

 

Mark looks. Because he’s stupidly obedient, and loves his parents too much. Mark loves his parents, and they’re kind of Mark’s rocks, now that Mark thinks of it. The fact that this confession is detrimental to their relationship scares Mark. If his parents take this news badly, then Taeyong will forever be the favourite child, and Mark is kind of okay with that, but he also wants his parents to love them equally. If his parents take this well, then Mark can _not_ pretend that he doesn’t like boys, which is good for his own wellbeing.

 

“I like girls, too,” Mark blurts out hurriedly, and Mark hates how that sort of sound like defence, so he continues. “I like both boys and girls. I don’t know. All I know is I like boys, too.”

 

Mark feels embarrassed now, at the onslaught of words he vomited, and his parents nod at him in understandment, and Mark flushes.

 

“We kind of suspected, Minhyung,” his mother says, as she rests her chin on her palm. She’s looking at Mark tenderly, a soft smile on her face that Mark takes in. His mother then says offhandedly: “Taeyong told us through text.”  
  
“Text!” his father laughs in disbelief, and he chugs down his water right after. The food on the dining table is eaten again, since the atmosphere returned to normal, and Mark chooses to pick on his rice. His father laughs giddily at Mark, and Mark lets out a chuckle. Such a typical Taeyong style, Mark supposes. Mark didn’t know that Taeyong likes boys, too. But then, the way Taeyong handled Mark so calmly should have probably been an indication. How he pulled out the realisation out of Mark, and how he lets Mark rest his head on Taeyong’s lap right after.

 

Does Taeyong have a boyfriend? Has Taeyong ever had a crush on his best friend?

 

It’s kind of hilarious when Mark had been lamenting about his own stupid sexuality and crush, Taeyong could’ve been there to guide Mark, if Mark had just asked. But then, Taeyong did play a little part in helping Mark.

 

“He even only texted mum!” his father says, clicking his tongue in disbelief. He looks at Mark exasperatedly. “He said _tell dad.”_

 

Mark laughs at that, genuine, and relief seeps through the laugh, and his mother smiles a little at Mark.

 

“Thanks for telling us, Minhyung,” his mother says lightly, and Mark shrugs awkwardly, not knowing what to say. Mark didn’t tell them to appease them. It was more to relieve the gnawing and growing burden inside of him. It says a lot about Mark’s relationship with his parents by how they are the first person Mark told. They’re pretty close. “We’re proud of you.”

 

Mark manages to choke up his tears on the dining table. Finishing his dinner, and excusing himself. But when he enters his room, and throws himself on his bed, tears just came out. Mark doesn’t know when was the last time he even cried. He shouldn’t be. He could stand mock _sooneung_ exams, and yet he’s crying over coming out to his parents. It’s the relief, Mark supposes. The addictive relief through his veins at his sexuality not something to be ashamed of, and not something he has to hide. It’s a nice feeling.

 

It’s so nice, Mark fell asleep without even studying.

 

Mark wakes up the next day with a blanket draped over his body.

 

-

 

Mark’s brain process thinks that it’s logical to tell Donghyuck about his sexuality after coming out to his parents. Donghyuck is just, well. Donghyuck told Mark himself that he doesn’t like to hear things about his close friends from the grapevine, so Mark supposes before any news broke out, he’ll tell Donghyuck first.

 

It’s break. Mark doesn’t meet up with Jaemin during break, only during lunch, so Mark is alone now, escaping his classroom before one of his classmate decided to recruit him to explain something, and Mark is now waiting in front of a male’s bathroom on the third floor that no one really uses since it’s too secluded. Mark texted Donghyuck first, which is rare, even more rare since it’s a text sent during break. The only times Mark has texted Donghyuck is in the past when Mark has to drag Donghyuck to sit with Mark during lunch.

 

“Hey!” Donghyuck says as he approaches Mark, and Mark looks up from his phone, smiling softly at Donghyuck. Donghyuck looks kind of suspicious, and Mark kind of understands. This is kind of weird.

 

“I have something to tell you,” Mark says immediately, because his life motto is to get things over with, but he doesn’t want to be a shitty person like Taeyong and text it to Donghyuck, so here they are.

 

Donghyuck blinks, his hair in his eyes making his blinks look hurtful, but Donghyuck continues awkwardly. “Ooookay. What is it?”

 

“I like boys,” Mark blurts out, and Donghyuck’s eyes widen a little, surprised, and Mark doesn’t know what to make of that, so Mark runs his mouth off. “I like boys. And girls. And I told my parents already, and now I want to tell you.”

 

Donghyuck is silent for a moment, not knowing what to say, and okay, of course. If Mark is in Donghyuck’s position, and is bombarded with this sudden fact, he would act this way, too. Perhaps Mark would speak after less than a minute, but yeah, okay.

 

“I’m glad you told me, hyung,” Donghyuck says, and he pats Mark’s back. Hard, with a bright smile on his face. Donghyuck bounces a little on his feet. “Since when did you know?”

 

Mark shrugs, pocketing his phone. “Forever? Accepted it just recently, I guess.” Mark studies Donghyuck for a while, and notices he looks happy. That’s kind of weird. How happy (three) people are at Mark telling them things that are for Mark’s own good and wellbeing. “Don’t tell the other boys, please. I want to be the one to tell them when I’m ready.”  
  
Donghyuck readily agrees, nodding vehemently, and Mark smiles gratefully. “Got anyone you like, hyung?”

 

“There’s someone,” Mark says, and Donghyuck looks like he wants to push further, but looks like he knows his limits, so he nods with a greasy smile on his face that Mark pushes him away for.

 

They’re alright. They’re alright.

 

-

 

Telling Jaemin next seems to be the most plausible thing to do after telling Donghyuck.

 

But it’s Jaemin. It’s Jaemin, and everything that involves Jaemin makes Mark nervous to the core, so it takes Mark a while after telling Donghyuck to tell Jaemin. Mark doesn’t know why he’s so nervous. The huge ass crush he has on Jaemin is definitely a factor contributing to his nervousness. Or perhaps, it’s Jaemin, and Jaemin means a lot more to Mark than Mark likes to admit, so yeah.

 

It’s after cram school. Mark knows Jaemin is waiting outside, since Jaemin snapped a picture of Mark’s food to indicate that he’s waiting, and Mark only replied with laughing sounds, so stupidly endeared by something so utterly mundane and natural. It’s a habit now perhaps. For Jaemin to wait outside when Mark has cram school, and for them to study together in the afternoons. It’s a habit that Mark totally doesn’t mind.

 

It’s after cram school, and Mark is walking outside with his heart pounding through his ribcage.

 

“Hey, you,” Mark says in greeting to Jaemin who is sitting on the stairs of the entrance, hunching down over his phone, and concentrating on a game. Mark kicks Jaemin’s sides softly, and Jaemin yelps a little.

 

“I heard you, you know,” Jaemin grumbles, pocketing his phone, and Mark chuckles, sitting next to Jaemin, and taking the bread Jaemin bought for him.

 

“You know you don’t have to,” Mark says. Jaemin lets out a soft laugh. It’s more of a thing done out of obligation. Just because Mark always says it every time Jaemin waits for him to finish cram school. It’s hard to not feel like a burden sometimes. Jaemin has to wait thirty extra minutes for Mark after all, since Mark usually stays until closing time for third years.

 

“I knooow,” Jaemin whines, and he laughs at Mark, elbowing him a little. Mark elbows him back. They sit there for a minute, in total silence, just Mark eating his bread, pulling it apart, and giving some to Jaemin, and Jaemin accepting. It’s a nice silence. It’s a nice silence, but Mark has something to say.

 

“Hyung has to tell you something,” Mark says into the silence, and Jaemin looks at Mark, blinking softly, delicately even, and Mark looks back, taking it all in.

 

“What is it?” Jaemin says lightly, continuing to chew on the bread. They’re still holding eye contact, so Mark blinks slowly, looking away.

 

Mark sighs a little, to let go of all the nerves he feels. “I like boys, Jaemin.”

 

It’s silence. It’s silence, and Mark is scared to even return eye contact to look at Jaemin. This isn’t the kind of pregnant pause that is like Donghyuck’s. This is a nerve wrecking one, full of Mark chanting _it’s okay,_ in his head, and that _it’ll be alright._

 

“Are you serious?”

 

Mark blinks, and he looks at Jaemin in confusion, his earlier fear gone by the tone of Jaemin’s question. Mark is just about to answer, but Jaemin sort of gets up abruptly, manner rushed and so unlike him, that Mark has to backtrack a little to take it all in.

 

“Are you doing this to comfort me?” Jaemin asks, and Mark is surprised at the hint of hurt in his voice. It’s there. The doubts, the questions, and just--sadness. Mark doesn’t know what to do. What to make of a question so far-reached an self-absorbed. Mark doesn’t know, but Mark’s first instinct is to stand up, and defend himself.

 

“What are you talking about?” Mark asks shakily, and he runs his fingers through his hair. Mark is so _confused._ Mark is kind of angry. At how Jaemin is responding, at the look on Jaemin’s face as he asks the question, and the look _now--_ pure sadness, and hurt that Mark doesn’t know how to fix.

 

“If you’re doing this because you pity me, then stop, hyung,” Jaemin says, and he goes down the stairs quickly. “I know people are being shitty towards me, but you don’t have to join me in my pity party just because of that.” Mark doesn’t even know that people are still picking on Jaemin. “And if you’re here to play with my feelings, stop, hyung.”

 

“What--” Mark is cut off. Not even by words, but by Jaemin just walking away quickly towards the dorms. By Mark’s own heart shattering as Jaemin seems even more far away. Mark doesn’t know what to say. Mark doesn’t know what to fucking feel. He’s hurt. He’s so hurt, it’s crazy. It feels like there are thousands of knives stabbing through his heart, and people stomping all over it.

 

Mark is so confused.

 

Mark is feeling all sorts of emotions just because of one person.

 

-

 

If Mark has to sit through one more topic of History, Mark’s head will quite literally burst. It’s absolutely energy draining, and Mark has thrown his head on the table countless times just to get his head straight. It’s History, and Mark’s head is on the cool desk, so naturally, Mark starts thinking about Jaemin.

 

It’s been around two weeks since their argument. Two weeks, and they haven’t even talked to each other. Mark doesn’t quite realise before their argument that majority of his daily life has Jaemin in it.  Mark’s life feels inexplicably bare and even _more_ mundane without Jaemin. Albeit, tutoring Jaemin, and snacking with Jaemin after cram school aren’t the most exciting things in the world, but they do a lot to Mark’s mental health that is slowly deteriorating as _sooneung_ approaches.

 

Getting used to life without Jaemin is something Mark has never considered, but here he is, adapting once again to a life without Jaemin, and well, trying his best. Mark can’t say that he’s ultimately failing, but Mark can say that he’s dying in the insides. Jaemin greets Mark everyday with a _good morning_ text, so not getting one was kind of a huge slap. Mark also texts Jaemin about the stupidest thing, and Jaemin likewise, so that’s another thing out of Mark’s daily routine.

 

Not tutoring (kind of spending time with each other, at this point) Jaemin is also another thing out of his daily life. Mark’s afternoon where he is supposed to study with Jaemin are now just Mark studying alone, and trying to not look around the library to see if Jaemin shows up. Mark stops doing that around a week after they weren’t talking, so now Mark uses the private studying room. Jaemin not waiting for Mark is sort of taking a toll towards Mark, too, because now he realised how much he took the Jaemin waiting for him part of his night for granted, because he misses it.

 

Lunch is perhaps the most apparent part that’s missing, since they eat lunch everyday. Mark absolutely hates it. Eating alone. Mark used to feel okay with eating alone, but ever since Jaemin (and others, but mostly Jaemin) comes crashing in Mark is enjoying the comfort of having to converse with people while eating. Mark doesn’t even bother going to the cafeteria. Mark asked his mother to pack him up lunch, and when she asked why, Mark only replied that he wants to study during lunch too, which is an utterly stupid reason, but his mother believes him, so that’s that.

 

He misses Jaemin.

 

He misses Jaemin, and his stupid face, and it’s undeniable.

 

Mark has only seen Jaemin once during the whole two weeks they’re not talking, but that was just Jaemin quickly going back to his class, so Mark doesn’t know if that can be counted as _seeing._ But Mark cherishes it enough. Mark isn’t even angry anymore. He’s not angry at Jaemin lashing out at him without clarity, and Mark isn’t angry at Jaemin walking out on him. Mark does get bitter when he thinks back about that night, but it all dissipates because of how much he loves Jaemin takes over him completely.

 

Mark misses Jaemin so much, it’s kind of crazy.

 

Mark misses Jaemin, but he doesn’t miss him that much to just crush his own ego, and just face Jaemin again. There’s fear, for once. Of Jaemin lashing out at Mark again, and leaving. _Again._ But Mark would face that once again just to try to make this, whatever _this_ is, work. But maybe not now. Since Mark is still too scared to do it.

 

Mark thinks about Jaemin, and somehow his thoughts drive back to the question _how is Jaemin feeling?_ Is he feeling the same thing? Does he miss Mark like how Mark misses him? Does he even care? Is he even affected? Mark doesn’t know, and he _wants_ to know. There’s a sick and morbid thought in his brain that wants Jaemin to feel as miserable as Makr is right now, albeit concealed by this false facade. Is Jaemin putting up a facade, too? But then, the thought of Jaemin being so hurt over Mark sort of creates a sense of dread in his tummy. A sense of sadness. Mark doesn’t want to see Jaemin sad, no matter how much his brain thinks he wants to.

 

Mark wants to know so many things.

 

But he can’t since they’re both avoiding each other like plagues. Mark is even kind of glad that _sooneung_ is so near. Because at least Mark’s thoughts are now occupied with that, and only that. Not that it wasn’t before, but now it just becomes a bigger thing. Mark is glad because, something so big can be a distraction from Jaemin. That’s kind of weird. Jaemin should be a distraction for Mark to work hard for _sooneung,_ but instead Jaemin became a fire, igniting Mark to work harder. It’s hard without him.

 

Mark can only sigh, and continue to eat his lunch.

 

-

 

Donghyuck is the one to fix it.

 

Of course it’s him.

 

It’s Donghyuck because it’s like Donghyuck feels like he has taken this role in Mark’s life where he has to fix Mark’s existential crisis. Thinks a boy is pretty? Call him to sit in their table in the library! No one to sit with during lunch? Donghyuck will come! Having a fight with your best friend so now you’re acting like you’ve never even met each other? Donghyuck texts you to get the fuck to the cafeteria.

 

“What do you mean you’re not making me lunch?” Mark asks desperately, the hint of sleep in his eyes and demeanour were gone, replaced by the shock he’s feeling by his mother eating bread, and casually saying that she can’t make Mark’s lunch. Mark sort of feels like a spoiled brat even when he _isn’t._

 

“Donghyuck texted me to not to, Minhyungie,” his mother says casually, and his father who just exited their room, fixing his cuffs and tie, walks into the conversation pauses, before deciding that it isn’t worth it.

 

“He has your number?” Mark asks incredulously, and his mother shrugs, and that was that.

 

Donghyuck even texted Mark to come to the cafeteria, and adding that _jaemin isn’t here, you annoying shit,_ so that convinced Mark enough to not starve the whole day, and walk to the cafeteria, lining up for his food, and walking to the table his friends are at.

 

Surprise, surprise.

 

Jaemin is there, sitting and chatting comfortably with Jeno.

 

Mark is turning back. He’s an asshole, and is scared of facing things (person) that once yelled at him, so what? But of course, just as Mark turns away before Jeno and Jaemin notices him, Renjun and Donghyuck were just _purely coincidentally_ done with taking their lunch, so they managed to drag Mark back to their table.

 

Jaemin looks up in surprise, and Mark hates how there’s a sudden pleasant rush through his veins just by looking at Jaemin. Mark misses him. It has been more than two weeks since they’ve last _looked_ at each other, and Mark misses him. Mark misses him, and the way his eyes twinkle, and the way his mouth curves up into a pretty smile. Mark misses him so much. Mark is sort of surprised at how Jaemin doesn’t get up, too. He’s just sitting there, watching as Mark sits, and _coincidentally_ end up right across Jaemin.

 

Fate must be of the name Donghyuck, Renjun, and Jeno.

 

“Heeeey guys,” Donghyuck begins completely unnaturally, so Mark sighs a little, slumping as he picks up is chopsticks and spoon to start eating. This may be something, but Mark had to go through long period of Biology earlier, so Jaemin or not, Mark’s sole purpose is to just eat.

 

Mark doesn’t answer, only looking down at his food, and eating, so Donghyuck next to him elbows him a little, but Mark brely budges, quickly eating his lunch. Mark is sort of being shitty. Completely ignoring Donghyuck’s attempts, but Jaemin seems to be doing the same thing so now there are two shitty people on this table. They continue eating their lunch after that, Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jeno conversing with each other, while Mark and Jaemin eat their lunch in silence.

 

It’s awkward, insufferable, and so unlike them, so Mark results to just eating his lunch even more quickly, and excusing himself with the excuse that he has to study which _always_ works.

 

Mark stands up, after giving his excuse, and the other could only watch sadly, not knowing what to say, since they do know that _sooneung_ is so near now, so they can’t really argue against Mark’s excuse. Mark quickly categorises his eating utensils. The tray, chopsticks, spoon, residue, and his plate and bowls. Mark is doing it in a rush, like someone is coming after him.

 

Maybe Mark wants someone to go after him.

 

Mark looks back after he exits the cafeteria only to find unfamiliar faces.

 

-

 

Mark is strangely not nervous.

 

His tummy isn’t doing flips, and he doesn’t feel like he wants to poop or puke from nervousness, so at least that’s _something._ His uniform is nicely ironed, and Mark thinks that’s laughable since he’s going to be sitting for so long later that the wrinkles are going to be inevitable, but if his mother feels like that’s what she has to do to take care of Mark, then Mark has nothing to say.

 

“Are you okay, Minhyungie?” his mother asks nervously. Mark wants to retort that his mother looks like she’s the one who’s going to take the exams instead of Mark, but he’ll probably get smacked if he ever says it, so Mark only smiles ruefully, nodding sagely. “Have your lunch?” Mark raises his lunch bag his mother packed for him. His mother nods worriedly, patting Mark’s head. “Pen?”

 

“Yup,” Mark says in English, clicking his tongue, and his mother nods worriedly again.

 

“Stop fretting,” his father laughs, and Mark’s mother shoots a glare at his father, clearly saying like _you’re_ not.  They’re sort of too early. But Mark knows going to school two hours before _sooneung_ starts is more of a precaution. Like this car ride his father is giving him is. His parents are so worried that his father even forbade him to take the subway today. In a way, Mark thinks his father is fretting, too. Albeit in a more discreet manner. When Taeyong was in _sooneung_ year, his parents fret over him the same way, too. Perhaps car ride is just a _sooneung_ tradition at this point. And speaking of Taeyong, he already wished Mark good luck at three in the morning, which Mark was grateful for. His friends also wished him luck. Except, well.

 

After saying goodbyes to his mother, and his mother repeatedly kissing Mark’s cheeks and forehead, Mark is in the car. This feels more real now. That the exams that will determine Mark’s whole future is here. Mark is fidgeting slightly, and his father says to Mark that he should put on his seatbelt, and Mark only look at his father weirdly because he’s already wearing it. His father is also worrying over Mark.

 

The whole car ride is kind of serene. It’s still early, and Mark can see parents sending their kids to school, in Mark’s head those are the people who will be sitting for the same exams as Mark today.

 

“Are you ready, Minhyung?” his father asks just as they arrive at the school. Mark looks at his father in surprise. His father rarely asks him about his studies.

 

“Kind of,” Mark answers safely, and when his father raised an eyebrow, Mark laughs. “I studied my best, dad.”  


His father breathes out a laugh as he pulls up in front of the school. There are already parents fretting over their child, double and triple checking everything, and his father mocks them, which makes Mark laugh. “Good luck, Minhyung,” his father says when Mark exits the car, and Mark only salutes.

 

Mark is walking towards the entrance now, after seeing his father drive off, and Mark is just about to take out his earphones out of his pockets when a voice calls out.

 

“Hyung!”

 

Mark can recognise that voice everywhere.

 

Mark looks back, because he’s weak, and there’s Jaemin, jogging slightly towards Mark. it’s about an hour and thirty minutes before registration time, so, Jaemin is pretty early. Something in Mark’s heart flutter at the thought of Jaemin waking up early just to send Mark off.

 

“Hey,” Mark says, voice hoarse. This is the first time they’ve talked.

 

“Hi,” Jaemin replies demurely. Jaemin sort of bounces on his feet after, awkward, and so distant, but awfully endearing, Mark is confused. Jaemin digs in his pockets, and gives Mark a pen. The pen is gold, and it’s 0.5, the exact kind Mark likes to write in. Jaemin must have noticed it. Mark takes it, but looks up at Jaemin in confusion. Jaemin flushes a little, and Mark takes it in; the shyness he exudes, and how much Mark misses him. “For you. For writing, of course. Just because.”

 

“Thanks, Jaemin,” Mark replies, smiling a little. Their argument rings back in Mark’s head. Jaemin seems to get it, though, because his eyes widen, and he holds Mark’s hand to stop him from talking.

 

“After you’re done today, hyung,” Jaemin says, and Mark nods in agreement. Reliving back those moments when Jaemin got angry at him would be hard on Mark. Especially when Mark tried hard to suppress everything he felt.  

 

“Yeah,” Mark agrees. “After I’m done.”

 

Jaemin smiles brightly. “Yeah,” he says, shuffling lightly on his foot. “Good luck on the exam, hyung. I know you’ll do well.”

 

Mark would like to think it means _I’ve seen it and been there with you, I know you’ll do well._

 

“Thank you,” Mark says, laughing slightly. Their hands are still kind of together, so Mark shakes it lightly, and Jaemin let go with an embarrassed laugh. Mark considers his chances, and decides that since he’s here, about to face _sooneung,_ might as well say it. “It means the most coming from you.”

 

Jaemin looks glad, happy, and absolutely ethereal from the meaning behind those words. So Mark takes it as a sign to turn back, and start walking up those stairs. “I’m going,” Mark says, gesturing up, and Jaemin coughs.

 

“Yeah, of course. Bye, hyung,” Jaemin says one last time, and they part ways.

 

Mark thinks he’ll do pretty well. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayayyayay!! just one more chapter! that's just gonna be where they get together officially and just?? epilogue?? i promise i'll put that up very very soon!! 
> 
> thank you for reading, seriously. it means a lot to me!
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated ;;
> 
> i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/nctkkum) if you wanna follow me! 
> 
> and i opened up a [curiouscat!!](https://curiouscat.me/adequater) if you wanna ask me questions hehe


	5. i want to go there (where you go)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might actually start crying. it's the last chapter. it's finally here. this fic is like my baby and i am sad for it come to an end, but i am happy to let it go. sort of like letting my kid go to college. ok. 
> 
> title is strangely from miley cyrus and david archuleta's song i wanna know you. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy this chapter. it's only kind of an epilogue. hahahah. 
> 
> warning: unbeta'ed! as usual!!! don't kill me.

Mark read somewhere from previous people who have sat for _sooneung_ that the feelings you get after you finish up your exams is indescribable. But then, they proceed to explain what exactly those indescribable feelings are. Some say that you feel like floating, like all you worries slowly dissipate each steps you take towards the exit, and you float as you exit the exam room, legs shaky as you walk to see your parents waiting outside, in front of the entrance. Some say that it’ll feel exhausting. Like if you were all excited with pent up adrenaline, then when you finish the exams all the adrenaline and exhaustion will slowly seep into your veins, making you feel tired as you exit the room.

Mark can’t really relate.

The continuous exams had been exhausting. But Mark focused the whole time, and answered efficiently, so Mark can say that he did decently during the exams. The lunch break had been too short. Mark sat with all of his classmates, and they all ate their lunches quickly, and went through their brief notes and cards a little just to revive their memory. Mark felt like he actually belonged with his classmates as they ask each other questions just to keep their brain going.

After the exams, when all the focus he had in his mind was gone, and he was left with lugging his backpack and body towards the exit, Mark thinks about Jaemin. It’s a sudden epiphany. The earlier need to just throw himself in his father’s car and sleep forever is gone, replaced with this overwhelming need to see Jaemin’s face. Mark is just about to take out his phone, ready to type out a text towards Jaemin, although it’s weird to do that since they didn’t text at all ever since their fight, and this morning was the first time they’ve ever talked ever since their stupid and baseless argument. But since it’s Jaemin, Mark is already thumbing out a _hey,_ when a voice calls out his name.

“Hyung!” Mark recognises that voice, of course. It’s easy, raspy, comforting, and so distinctly Jaemin’s that Mark immediately whips his head up, eyes wide, but there’s already a small grin on Mark’s face just from hearing the voice. Mark feels kind of ridiculous.

It’s Jaemin. Jaemin is waiting outside of his classroom, looking ridiculously good and pristine. His uniform is creased, of course. A full day of school does that to you, but somehow, Jaemin still looks indescribably good. _Floaty,_ Mark’s brain chooses to conjure up. His blazer is already off, so he’s only in the white shirt they wear underneath the blazer, and his blazer is hanging off his arm. Mark hates it. How good and just how amazing Jaemin looks in something so mundane--something that no one should ever look good in. Mark certainly doesn’t look good now.

“Hi,” Mark says demurely, when he arrives to where Jaemin is at. Jaemin is near the stairs, a little bit to the side, so he’s not blocking the pathway where students are rushing to go down, ready to meet their parents and get their _sooneung_ privilege card to use. Some of Mark’s classmates wave at Mark as they pass by, and Mark waves back, not missing the way their eyes dart cautiously to Jaemin, and then back to Mark, speculations clear in their eyes.

“Hi,” Jaemin says back, grinning beautifully. There are only a few students now, including them. Since majority has gone down. It’s kind of awkward, Mark realises. It’s an odd thing now. To be awkward around Jaemin since they have grown to be so comfortable with each other Mark never thought they would revert back to almost square one. Hell, by the third time Mark and Jaemin met, they were already pretty comfortable with each other. They won’t be awkward. Mark wouldn’t let it happen.

“How was _sooneung?”_

That’s kind of a standard question, Mark supposes, so Mark shrugs. “Fine.”

Jaemin is still smiling, studying Mark like Mark is a nice sight, which makes Mark kind of flustered. Jaemin has too nice of a smile to be looking at Mark like that. “I wasn’t lying,” Mark says into the contemplative silence. Jaemin is still smiling, this time more wistful more than anything, and Jaemin tilts his head a little. Mark knows Jaemin knows. But since Jaemin asked, Mark answers. “The other day. When I said that I like--” Mark pauses, looking around, and when he makes sure that no other students are in close proximity, he continues. “Boys. I like boys, too.” I like boys, and I like you, is what Mark wants to say. Mark wants to announce it to the world that he likes Jaemin.

Jaemin looks apologetic now, and a sick part of Mark is cackling in satisfaction. _Yes, Jaemin should be guilty and apologetic._ It was mostly Jaemin’s fault. But it was also Mark’s for not even trying to explain. “I’m sorry,” Jaemin says. He looks so sorry and pouty, like a kicked puppy, and in this case, Mark is probably the one kicking him. Mark kicks at Jaemin’s shoes a little, laughing.

“Don’t look like that.”

“But I’m sorry,” Jaemin explains, and he takes Mark’s hand. It’s hesitant, the way he does it. Like he’s testing the waters, and Mark watches at first, as Jaemin’s hand lingers around Mark’s wrist, but then he intertwines their fingers together. It fits perfectly well that Mark thinks it’s funny, so Mark laughs. Jaemin frowns. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Mark answers. Jaemin is just about to interject when Mark interrupts him. “You’re cute, Jaemin.”

“Take me seriously!” Jaemin exclaims, laughing a little, a flustered laugh that Mark rarely hears. Being able to elicit that laugh out of Jaemin means more to Mark than it should have. Jaemin caresses Mark’s hand softly, and Mark watches Jaemin as Jaemin studies their intertwined fingers. “I’m really sorry I dismissed your sexuality like that just because I was too caught up in my own feelings.”

It’s nice to be able to hear Jaemin admitting to his faults, Mark realises. Mark didn’t know he needed it. For Jaemin to say those words, and admits his mistake directly, but Mark apparently does, because he feels lighter now. Like there’s an invisible weight over his shoulders all these time, and Mark didn’t quite realise it was there, too used to lugging it around everywhere he goes, and now that it’s lifted, Mark feels, well, _light._ Mark kind of understands what the former students mean. _Floaty._ Mark feels like that.

“It’s alright,” Mark says, because since it’s Jaemin, it’s always okay. Mark squeezes Jaemin’s hand a little, and Jaemin looks up, his lovely eyes meeting Mark, imploring and dark, waiting to be discovered. Mark thinks it’s now or never. He just finished _sooneung_ , for fuck’s sake. If Mark got through the hell that was _sooneung,_ then Mark can probably get through anything. “It’s my fault for not chasing after you, too.” _Now or never._ “Because I like you. I like you, so that’s why I told you the other day.”

  
Jaemin is silent for a while, studying Mark. There’s a silly grin on his face that Mark imitates. Mark suddenly feels shy. Like super shy, and he wants to look away, because the weight of the confession is overwhelming and heavy, especially since Jaemin hasn’t even replied. Jaemin giggles first, and he then punches Mark’s shoulder with the hand that is not attached to Mark’s. “You’re really--” Jaemin pauses, puffing out a laugh, lashes fluttering as he blinks, and punches Mark’s shoulder again. “You really make me feel things.”

You make me feel things, too, Mark wants to say. Mark wants to say that Jaemin makes Mark feel happy in a way that’s indescribable, in a way that makes Mark float, and forget about all the responsibilities he has, because all he can see is Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin. Perhaps floating differs from each individual. Finishing _sooneung_ doesn’t make Mark float. Jaemin does. Jaemin and his beautiful eyes, and the way he’s currently fidgeting awkwardly, gnawing on his bottom lip, and looking at Mark shyly.

“I like you too.” Mark is truly floating. It’s nice to hear something you already know. Of course Mark knows. Mark isn’t stupid. Mark knew ever since Jaemin said to him during the fight that Mark is supposedly playing him. It was like an epiphany struck Mark from those words, electric and tingly. Mark felt happy, of course. But the lingering resentment and anger from Jaemin’s harsh way of replying made Mark too pissed to actually do anything. So what if Jaemin likes Mark back? He should grow the balls to talk to Mark first. Mark thought that way when the anger was still there, but then when the anger gradually disappears, all Mark felt was longing.

“What now?” Jaemin asks. He’s tightening the hold he has on Mark’s hand, squeezing it once, then stops. Jaemin then pokes his thumb out, and starts rubbing Jaemin’s hand. It’s a nice gesture, it’s soothing Mark in a way that Mark didn’t know could.

“I don’t know,” Mark replies hoarsely, and Jaemin looks up with a frown, obviously unsatisfied. _Mark is the older one here, Mark should take the lead._ Mark can hear those thoughts swimming in Jaemin’s head, so Mark chuckles, knocking their intertwined fingers against Jaemin’s tummy, eliciting a small _oof!_ from Jaemin. “Maybe start by being my boyfriend. We’ll make it work, stud.”

Jaemin laughs, flustered, and this is the second time today Jaemin shows a hint of vulnerability, so Mark takes it in. Mark should probably get used to this. Jaemin moves closer a little, and their face is close, but not close enough that Jaemin can smell his breath if it smells bad. “Of course, hyung.”

It’s a nice thing to have a label on their relationship. It’s always nice to just be sure of what your position is in someone’s life. Mark thinks Jaemin used to have the title best friend before, and Mark likes to thnk that Mark’s label in Jaemin’s life back then was also best friend. Mark Lee is Na Jaemin’s boyfriend now. It’s a label. A loud, declarative, and an exciting one at that. The stupid title makes Mark float. It makes Mark stupidly smile as he bounds down the stairs with Jaemin to the exit. Their hands aren’t intertwined anymore, but Jaemin is close, and that’s all that matters.

Mark can see his parents waiting outside. There already few kids. Mark feels kind of bad that his parents had to wait while Mark was yapping his feelings away to Jaemin, but Mark got the chance to tell them that he would be coming out late, so they didn’t look like they mind much, just waving and smiling at Mark, looking proud. It’s kind of a new look, maybe. For them to be proud of Mark. Or maybe Mark hasn’t been looking closely enough for him to realise what is proudness on their face.

“Hi, Jaeminnie!” His mother greets Jaemin first, and Mark rolls his eyes. His mother’s obvious adoration for Jaemin becoming more apparent, but since it’s Jaemin, and everyone loves him, Mark isn’t too surprised. Mark’s mother ruffles Jaemin’s hair, and Mark’s father pats Jaemin’s back twice. They look so familiar with each other it might even make Mark cry. His mother exchanges a look with his father, before raising their eyebrows at Mark.

“The exam was okay,” Mark shrugs. It’s the standard reply. Okay could mean extremely good, or morbidly bad. Mark thinks he did good, but there’s always a possibility. His father then shakes his head, saying silently that _no, that was not what they were asking_. His father then gestures to Jaemin with his eyes, and Jaemin, awkwardly watching the whole interaction, lets out an awkward laugh. “Oh!”

“Well?” his mother asks excitedly, and Mark colours.

“What?” Mark replies indignantly. Mark takes Jaemin’s arm, yanking him, and making him stumble to Mark’s side.

“Oh, come on, Minhyung!” his mother rolls his eyes, sharing a look with his father, and his father laughs. Mark knows what they’re asking, of course. It’s not like Mark told them he has a blooming and huge ass crush on Jaemin, but they probably saw it since being discreet has never exactly been Mark’s forte.  
“You told them?” Jaemin whispers hurriedly, which is kind of useless since his parents are so near.

“Only about me liking boys!” Mark replies just as hushed and hurried. Mark steals a glance at his parents, to find them still with arched eyebrows, and patiently waiting.

Jaemin moves away from Mark, and he links their arms together, grimacing wistfully at his parents. “Yes, we’re together.”

  
“I knew it!” Mark’s mother laughs in his father’s face, and his father gives a stink eye to his mother. His mother shrugs, looking at them brightly with a proud smile. “Guess your father owes me, guys.”

  
Jaemin giggles at that, and their arms are still linked. Mark thinks it’s a comfortable position.

Mark frowns at his mother. “You made a bet about me?”

“And Jaemin!” his father interjects unnecessarily, and his mother even goes as far as ruffling Jaemin’s hair to say sorry, which Jaemin, of course, replies with it’s okay.

“It keeps the marriage alive, Minhyung,” Mark’s mother says, and she drapes an arm over Jaemin’s shoulder, ushering him to walk to their car, which Jaemin readily follows with a bright smile. Their arms are still linked. Mark is just about to interject with a retort, when his mother steadily cuts him off by smiling brightly at Jaemin. “Wanna eat dinner over at Mark’s house, Jaeminnie?”

Jaemin agrees, of course, taking the chance at eating home cooked meal that is not dorm food. So they walk to his father’s car. His mother in the passenger seat, and Mark and Jaemin in the back, while his father drives. Their arms are still linked, earlier unlinked for a second for them to get in the car, but right after they sit, Jaemin immediately clinged. During the ride, Jaemin spends it with his head on Mark’s shoulder, scrolling through his phone, and Mark napping.

It’s a nice beginning.

-

Returning to how they used to be the fight is easy.

Just like transitioning from being friends to lovers, it’s easy, smooth, and as if nothing even changed. Before the fight, they were friends, and now they’re together. Nothing really changed much. Mark still helps Jaemin with his homework, and they send each other good morning and night texts, and they sometimes talk in the phone. Jaemin doing his homework, and Mark just accompanying him. That’s just the past three days. Sooneung fell on Thursday, so Mark skipped Friday, Mark asking for his parents’ permission to do so, and they readily agreed.

After the dinner with Mark’s parents, Mark lead Jaemin to the subway station. His father actually insisted on driving Jaemin, but Jaemin refused politel, and he then whispered to Mark’s ears shyly if Mark would want to accompany him on the subway, which Mark readily agrees. It’s Jaemin. Of course Mark agreed. So after the dinner, Mark showered up, while Jaemin stayed in Mark’s room, and they walked to the subway, stopping by a little at this coffee shop, and when the owner asked whether Mark was a senior, Mark got a discount on both their iced frappe. Mark walked Jaemin to the subway station, and Jaemin waved bye to Mark with a bright grin, which Mark readily mirrors, and he promised to call Mark. He did, and that night that they talked.

It’s Monday now.

Mark takes it easy a little at school, since sooneung is over, so now he only has to focus on his last school exams, which, well, Mark, to be perfectly frank, doesn’t care much for. It’s Monday, and after a full day of just talking to his classmates, playing with his phone, texting Jaemin during break, and basically snacking, Mark is now walking to lunch to see Jaemin.

The last time Mark saw Jaemin was on Thursday, and Jaemin was too busy during break to see Mark, and meeting each other before homeroom isn’t something they want to do, so Mark’s steps are kind of light and bouncy. Excitement obvious and apparent. Mark isn’t too embarrassed at his own childlike excitement at merely seeing Jaemin, but Mark kind of is. It’s only been three days, and Mark admittedly misses Jaemin a little. Mark quickly takes his food, and walks over to their table. All the others are already sitting there, and Mark sees that Jaemin intentionally sits at the furthest seat, and not in the middle, just so that Mark can sit next to him. At least it looks like that. Jaemin usually sits in the middle.

Mark pokes Jaemin’s side first, and Jaemin jumps a little, and he whips his head back quickly, eyes wide and surprised. The smile that appears right after is something that Mark always sees, but it never fails to take his breath away. “Hey, you,” Jaemin says lightly, smiling at Mark.

Mark smiles back shyly, and puts the tray on the table with a small thunk. Jaemin looks away, and he rests his hand on Mark’s thigh, going back naturally the conversation like his hand isn’t there. Mark can only swallow, and start eating his lunch.

“So,” Donghyuck pipes up first, stretching his neck a little to look at Mark since he’s sitting next to Jaemin. Donghyuck wiggles his eyebrows, a teasing smile on his face. “Glad to know that you two already made up.”

Mark is glad, too. Jaemin next to him laughs a little, embarrassed, probably because their friends kind of guessed that their fight was over something so stupid.

“Jaemin talked to Mark-hyung the whole weekend,” Jeno interjects through his mouth full, as he munches on his food. He then swallow, and elbows Renjun next to him. Renjun agrees immediately, nodding aggressively.

Jaemin kicks Renjun’s foot underneath the table, with an unsatisfied frown. “It wasn’t all day!”

“Close to all day then? If you weren’t talking, you’d be texting,” Renjun retorts, and both Donghyuck and Jeno bark out a laugh at the jab. Renjun snorts, and easily says: “It’s like you guys are dating!”

Mark can feel Jaemin’s hand on his thigh freezing a little, squeezing Mark’s thigh in a way that shows that he’s alarmed, and doesn’t know what to say. Mark kind of doesn’t know what to say, either. They didn’t quite discuss when to tell their friends just yet. Only in passing, like Jaemin asking Mark things like: “So when will we tell them?” and Mark replies with: “Dunno.” so they moved on from the conversation, and to other topics.

The table is kind of quiet after Renjun’s remark. Donghyuck looks awkward, like he wants to bolt because since Mark told him about his sexuality and that Mark likes someone, Renjun’s words could be true, too, so Donghyuck is looking at Mark with cautious eyes. Jeno just looks confused, but then he returns to his food. Mark looks at Jaemin, gesturing silently, asking the silent question with his eyes, and Jaemin just shrugs, obviously not caring much. Renjun is now looking kind of anxious.

“I didn’t mean it like that--”

“You should mean it like that. We are,” Mark says. Jeno looks up from his food. Jaemin is kind of squeezing Mark’s thigh again, looking down at his food. Renjun is gaping at Mark, and Donghyuck breathes out a relieved laugh. Mark shrugs, elbowing Jaemin a little, making Jaemin look at Mark with a sheepish grin. “Dating that is. Together.”

“Since when?” Donghyuck asks excitedly, and he’s stretching his neck to look at Mark again, then back to Jaemin. Mark can see that Donghyuck is excitedly bouncing his feet. “I knew that guy was Jaemin, hyung!”

“Mark-hyung told you?” Renjun asks in disbelief, betrayal in his voice, and apparent on his facial expression.

Donghyuck shrugs, looking at Mark for confirmation, and when Mark nods, Donghyuck continues. “Only about hyung liking boys.”

“I can’t believe this,” Renjun says, and he slumps a little, looking at Mark indignantly. “I mean I kind of knew you both like each other, but like--” Renjun pauses, still in disbelief. “I was even scared that I offended you! And now you’re dating?”

Mark shrugs, not knowing what to say, only smiling sheepishly, and Jaemin next to him laughs at Renjun.

Jeno leans in a little, and says brightly. “Congrats, guys.”

Mark only smiles back a little, and Jaemin squeezes Mark thigh one last time.

-

“I don’t think you’re going to get that one, hyung,” Jaemin says wistfully, like he’s breaking a sad news to Mark, and yeah, Mark knows, Mark knows. Claw games have never really been Mark’s specialty. But it’d be nice to get some support.

“This is how you’re treating your boyfriend who’s trying his hardest to get a gift for you?” Mark asks, faking hurt. His hand is still on the controller, eyes trained on the stuffed Eevie toy in the machine. Mark knows, okay? But it still won’t stop him from acting like he’s good at this, and he’ll be bringing something home for Jaemin.

Mark hears Jaemin next to him sigh, and slaps Mark’s butt, impatient and endeared at Mark’s futile determination. Determination is nice. But not when you’re reaching for the moon. “I didn’t ask you to.”

“There’s a difference between you asking, and me wanting to give it to you,” Mark easily retorts. Mark finally presses the button, and as expected, the claw didn’t go around the Eevie toy, and instead just flails around awkwardly, and the machine makes little noises that Mark labels and hears vibrating in his ear as loser! A slave to capitalism!

“It’s okay, hyung,” Jaemin comforts, and Jaemin links his arm with Mark’s, dragging him away from the claw machine Mark is currently looking at sadly. “You can buy the popcorn.”

Mark only sighs, and readily takes out his wallet to get the cinema snacks and drinks.

They’re at the cinemas, waiting for their movie to start in around ten minutes since Jaemin said that he doesn’t like to stay around for the advertisements, so he wants to be inside the cinema right on time. Mark only readily agrees, since Mark rarely watches movies in the cinema ever since third year started for him, too focused on trying to score high for sooneung, so he doesn’t really have any preference. Exams are looming closer, but Jaemin insisted that yes, I’m all caught up with studying, so here they are, out on a date. Mark kind of thinks that cinema dates are cliché and typical, and Mark even told Jaemin that, and when Jaemin deflated a little, Mark immediately said that yes, okay, let’s go on a cinema date.

Mark doesn’t think cinemas are typical and cliché now. Perhaps that opinion was fueled in Mark’s brain since he has been single his whole life, so Mark has never really truly experienced a cinema with a lover, with someone special, with, well--Jaemin. Cinemas are nice, Mark now thinks. It’s nice because it’s dark, and Jaemin is currently leaning his head against Mark’s shoulder. Jaemin always does this. Leaning his head against Mark’s shoulder, and Mark finds it absolutely endearing that Mark could even squeal sometimes. The movie is starting, and the popcorn is in Mark’s hand, so Jaemin is the one that has to keep moving his hand over to Mark’s side, but Jaemin doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he seems content, so Mark lets him since even after Mark asked if Jaemin would like to hold the popcorn since Jaemin is eating most of it, Jaemin declined with a soft shake of his head.

“I think there are people from our school,” Jaemin points out softly halfway into the movie. Mark pauses, chewing thoughtfully on his popcorn.

“Do you care if they know?” Mark asks, voice hushed, afraid of getting scolded by other people around them.

“A little,” Jaemin admits softly. Jaemin looks up a little, and his face is only lit by the screen. It’s daytime in the movie, so Mark can see Jaemin’s face clearly. Mark can see the anxiety in his eyes, the thoughts swarmed in Jaemin’s brain. Jaemin then looks down, focusing on the movie again. “But I don’t want to care. I’m not ashamed of us.”

Mark doesn’t want to care either. Mark wants to hug and touch Jaemin freely without any judging eyes, and Mark wants to be like other straight couples out there, who can do whatever Mark wants to do with Jaemin without any judgement and disgusted eyes. It’s annoying. Absolutely infuriating. How they have to watch their behaviour and hide their true selves just so people won’t judge them.

“Me too,” Mark only says as a reply.

-

Mark should’ve known that this was coming. Jaemin did say that their schoolmates were there, so it’s given that they saw them both together being touchy-feely. It’s given. It’s obvious. It’s something Mark should’ve thought of and be prepared to face, but here’s Mark, dumbfounded and confused.

“What was that again?” Mark asks. He awkwardly places his bag on his chair, and his classmate follows every single one of his movement. This classmate sort of looks nervous, like he’s afraid of offending Mark, so Mark thinks this isn’t necessarily a bad type of confrontation.

“Uh,” his classmate begins. There are only two of Mark’s classmates around his table. But Mark can see from the corner of his eyes that his other classmates are kind of perking up in interest. “Some people saw you and Jaemin together this weekend.”

Mark humours him. Since yes, he was, in fact, with Jaemin this weekend, and they did have a magnificent time together, thank you very much. “Yeah, we were.” Mark shrugs. “Is there a problem?”

His classmate’s eyes dart to the girl next to him, and the girl widens her eyes in alarm as the guy elbows him. “No, of course not!” The girl then leans in a little, resting her palms on the table, and blinking at Mark rapidly. “Are you guys together?”

Mark blinks. That’s--kind of. Yeah. They didn’t really talk about what they will do when people find out. But perhaps it shouldn’t be a conversation. Mark nods slowly, and his classmates follow the way his head move with gaping mouths. “Yeah, we are.”

Mark can see from the corner of his eyes that his other classmates are looking at Mark, whispering to their seatmates. The girl nods awkwardly, bouncing on her feet out of nerves. “Oh! Gosh, congrats!”

Mark only smiles awkwardly, and finally sits down, so now his classmates are quite literally looking down at him. “Uh, thanks,” was all Mark says.

“When did you guys get together?” One person next to Mark asks, and Mark looks at him. He smiles sheepishly, scratching his head. “I mean. I thought you were only friends.”

Mark shrugs, taking his books out. He’s not planning to study, but since people are pestering him, he might as well. “Uh, during sooneung, actually. Exactly that day.”

“Wow,” one of his classmates say, and she says with a bright grin. “You two suit each other well. Jaemin is very good looking.” When! Mark awkwardly nods, the girl looks flustered. “I mean--he is! I’m not saying I like your boyfriend. Just. He has a nice face.”

That elicits a laugh from his other classmates, so Mark laughs along goodnaturedly, nodding and smiling, saying that he understands. Mark likes the sound of that. the sound of people referring to Jaemin as your boyfriend. Mark also understands that yes, Jaemin is good looking, and people finding him as such isn’t really a problem to Mark since Mark knows (and Jaemin makes sure that Mark knows) that Jaemin is far in deep like Mark is with Jaemin.

Hopelessly whipped, and far too deep with liking each other, no one else matters.

-

“They’re staring at us,” Jaemin breathes out as he scrawls the answer of the question on his paper. Jaemin looks at Mark, giving Mark a pointed look, and returning to the paper. “Why are your classmates such blabbermouths.”

Mark snorts at that, kicking at Jaemin’s feet a little, and Jaemin makes a little whining sound. “It’s expected, isn’t it?”

Jaemin looks up, pouting at Mark. “Yeah. It kind of is.”

Mark immediately told Jaemin about his classmates knowing right after the interrogation. Jaemin was nonchalant about it, only replying to Mark’s hurried text with things like ooooooo and oh, well. But it’s been a few days. Or maybe a week. And gradually, more and more people know, and it’s apparent. It’s apparent because every time Mark and Jaemin meet at the library or during lunch, the stares from people would increase as days pass. It’s kind of annoying. Because Mark is already an insecure and anxious little mess as it is, but with increased staring it makes Mark more horrible. But Mark takes people looking at them weirdly over people shooting homophobic comments at them.

It’ll dissipate. Like how when Jaemin’s news broke out, this would dissipate too.

“Someone from my class asked me why I’m with you today,” Jaemin throws out casually, stealing a glance at Mark to see his reaction, who is just on his phone, reading an ebook. Jaemin frowns at Mark. “I miss the time when you’re actually studying with me instead of just playing on your phone. At least you’re as miserable as I am.”

Mark snorts. “I’m doing my uni applications, you stud. I’m not exactly chilling, you know.” Mark then reverts back to their original topic. “So what did you say?”

Jaemin pauses, scrawling something on his paper, and then looking at Mark with his mouth slightly open. “I didn’t have to. Jeno replied saying why the hell do you care.” Jaemin shrugs, and then shoots a greasy smile at Mark. “I would’ve replied with because he’s the most beautiful boy in the world, though.” Mark gives Jaemin a look, laughing shyly, and kicking his feet again. “And he helps me with my homework and studying.”

Mark breathes out another incredulous laugh, and Jaemin follows along. “Are you serious?”

“Of course not,” Jaemin readily replies. Jaemin then lean forward a little, his elbows resting on the table, and his hands are forming a flower, and Jaemin puts his head in the space between his hands. “I mean. Yeah, sure. Partly. But I like you because you truly make me feel comfortable.” Jaemin looks kind of demure now, shy to talk about his feelings. “But--well. Yeah. You make me feel like home. You make me feel happy. I think that’s enough reasons to like you. I like you a lot, hyung.”

Mark kind of realises he has a lot of things to say to Jaemin too. About why he likes Jaemin, and why he feels like writing poetry every time he looks at Jaemin. Mark is always thinking about it. The poetries he wants to write, and the painting of what he feels whenever he looks at Jaemin. The painting is yellow, smeared with a mix of pink and red, symbolising Mark’s adoration. Yellow says happiness. Or at least it does to Mark. Then along with the other colours, there’s a mix of purple and blue. Blue because Mark gets sad when Mark can’t see Jaemin, and purple, well, because. Sometimes colours don’t have an explanation and Mark feels, just--a lot. Jaemin makes Mark feel a lot of things. Mark never quite says it, too.

Maybe Mark should.

“I like you a lot too.” Mark says. Mark suddenly feels ineloquent with his words. Tied in his head, because Mark has never really said those words out loud so it’s foreign and unpracticed. Jaemin is looking at Mark, eyes bright and expecting. Mark never wants to disappoint those eyes. “You make me feel happy in a way that’s kind of indescribable. I like seeing you smile, and even more if it’s because of me,” Mark shrugs. “I liked you ever since the first time I saw you. The cafeteria, remember?”

Jaemin nods, grinning, so Mark proceeds.

“I thought you were pretty. I still think you do. But as we got closer, I like a lot more things about you,” Mark shrugs, scratching his definitely not itchy neck, and smiles embarrassedly. “I like how you make me happy the most. I like how much you care for me, and I like how easy it is to talk to you.” Mark stops again, feeling super awkward. “I just like you a lot, really. I don’t say often how much you mean to me, and how lucky I am to have you. But I feel and think about it everyday.”

Jaemin looks down to hide his smile, looking absolutely embarrassed. Mark wants to say that Jaemin’s glowing. “Thank you, hyung.” Jaemin kicks at Mark’s feet a little, and then looking up at Mark with a gorgeous grin. “I feel lucky, too.”

-

Their first kiss happens because it is bound to happen.

It’s something that they know would happen, just waiting for the right moment. It happens outside of the dorms, the other side of the dorm building, just secluded enough for other people to not see, but not secluded enough for them to be scared of something wild appearing.

They kiss because Mark is still reluctant to let go of Jaemin. They just went on a date. Just a random one to celebrate the last day of school, so they went to eat dinner at a sushi restaurant together after school, since Jaemin has a discohng card. They went for dinner right after Mark changed into an outfit he brought from home in Jaemin’s dorm, not wanting t show people that they were from school. Jaemin whistled stupidly as Mark changed, and that made Mark throw his blazer at Jaemin which Jaemin caught with a boisterous giggle. When Mark opened his pants, and Jaemin catcalled, Mark quickly put on his jeans and threw himself on already-dressed Jaemin, making them giggle and laugh together to the point that Renjun knocks on their door to tell them to shut up.

The whole date Mark kind of got clingy. It’s the the reminder that it would be the last time Mark ever sees Jaemin that made him act that way. Since the winter holidays are starting tomorrow, and Jaemin would be staying with his parents for the whole winter. Mark hates it. How it would be something to get used to. Not having Jaemin by his side, and communicating a whole lot more with their phones and through texts. Mark hates how he won’t see Jaemin face to face for a whole month. But Jaemin probably misses his family more than he would miss Mark so Mark doesn’t say it. Jaemin noticed, though.

“You’re so close to me,” Jaemin pointed out as he leaned forward and took another sushi from the moving belt. Mark shrugged, tightening the hold he had on Jaemin’s thigh, and scooting closer to Jaemin. They were at the table where they have to sit side by side, so Mark was eternally grateful. Jaemin shot Mark a look, and fed Mark one of the raw salmon with a bright and childish grin. “I like it, though.”

Mark did, too. Not the fact that this would be their last date, but, yeah. The close proximity.

It’s kind of awkward, Mark thinks. Jaemin is the first boy Mark has ever kissed, and Jaemin says right before their lips touch that this is is his first time, too. They’re kissing, and it’s wet. They just ate sushi, too, so Mark can feel a little tinge of soy sauce in Jaemin’s tongue. They’re kissing, and their teeth kind of bumped a little against each other, which made Mark pull away, laughing, but then Jaemin takes his head, as if to say kiss me, asshole, which Mark does gladly. Kisses Jaemin, until they kind of have to pull away because they have to breathe.

Jaemin breathes out a sigh. His mouth is glistening a little from the spit, and Mark thinks he looks ridiculously good and nice. Jaemin laughs at Mark, and Mark wipes his mouth, laughing along. Jaemin rests his head on Mark’s shoulder, and snakes his arms around Mark, sighing again.

“I miss you already,” Mark says into Jaemin’s ears. It can even be considered as a whisper. Mark shouldn’t have whispered, probably. Because no one is here except the two of them.

“I’m still here,” Jaemin says back, mumbling against Mark’s shoulder. Jaemin gives one last sigh, and he lifts his head up from Mark’s shoulder to look at Mark again, this time with a small smile on his face. “I understand, though. I’ll miss you, hyung.”

They part shortly after with a short kiss and a brief hug since Jaemin has a curfew to get to.

-

Mark kind of feels ridiculously happy.

It’s the first day of school. The first day back, and Mark is already this excited at the mere thought of seeing Jaemin again. It’s been a month for fuck’s sake, the longest ever since they met that they haven’t seen each other. Mark thinks he has a right to be this excited over seeing his boyfriend again. But it doesn’t mean that Mark isn’t embarrassed.

It’s not like Mark hasn’t seen Jaemin at all since the holidays. They saw each other through video calls, and Jaemin made sure to send his selfies to Mark all the time so, like, no, Mark doesn’t quite mean that he’s deprived of seeing Jaemin’s face again, but--kind of. Sort of. Seeing Jaemin through webcams and pictures aren’t exactly the same as seeing Jaemin face to face. Mark can’t put his arm around Jaemin’s waist, and Mark can’t exactly plant a kiss on the apple of Jaemin’s cheek when he wants to do, and Mark can’t kiss Jaemin breathless. Mark was even starting to think that having their first kiss on the last time they ever see each other was a bad idea.

A bad idea because it got Mark craving for more.

Mark just arrived. It’s morning. He and Jaemin don’t usually meet each other in the morning. But today is different. It’s been so long that even Jaemin warned Mark to get early to school just so they could see each other before the lessons start. Mark agreed, of course. Because he’s also excited to see Jaemin again, and Mark may or may not be utterly whipped for Jaemin. His parents realised his enthusiasm, of course. Mark hummed as he spread the Nutella on his toast, and his parents exchanged a look that Mark ignored.

“Look who’s happy,” his mother snidely pointed out, and Mark only grinned at his mother.

“Let him be,” his father said, albeit he had a teasing grin on his face that Mark also ignored.

Mark is walking towards the canteen, and right as Mark arrived, Mark saw Jaemin’s back, and he seems to be talking to Jeno and Renjun. One of Jaemin’s leg is stretched out, and he has his arms folded, looking stupidly arrogant from the back when Jaemin is none of that. Mark doesn’t know what exactly possessed him to quicken his steps. It may be his need to be close to Jaemin and his longing. It may be because he likes Jaemin too much.

Mark doesn’t quite know who he is when Mark immediately snakes his arms around Jaemin’s waist, and hooking his chin on Jaemin’s shoulder. Mark can’t ever get over the look on Jaemin’s face. Jaemin makes a noise of surprise at the sudden touch, and he turns his head quickly to where Mark’s head is, and laughs happily when he sees Mark. Jaemin looks beautiful. Absolutely endearing and happy as he looks at Mark. Mark doesn’t think he quite deserves that utter look of adoration in Jaemin’s eyes. Mark isn’t usually this clingy. But it’s Jaemin. The Jaemin that Mark hasn’t seen in a month.

“Oh my God,” Jaemin says, laughing out loud, and he turns around, so Mark’s hands are now on Jaemin’s sides, and Mark laughs stupidly, and Jaemin leans forward, hugging Mark. The last thing in Mark’s mind right now is people. Mark forgot that the canteen always has people since it’s connected to the cafeteria. They pull apart, and Mark puts his arm around Jaemin’s waist, and Jaemin lets him.

“Wow,” Jeno first says, and Mark colours a little. He forgot Renjun and Jeno are even there. Since his eyes were only on Jaemin, and only Jaemin. Jeno nudges Renjun, faking a grimace. “PDA. On the first day back to school. This is too much for my eyes.”

“We didn’t even do anything!” Jaemin replies indignantly, resting his head against Mark’s. “Over!”

Renjun grins a little, obviously amused. He takes out his phone, clicks his tongue, and says offhandedly. “People are still looking.”

Mark and Jaemin simultaneously turn their heads around, and sure enough, Renjun was right. People are looking, but when they saw Jaemin and Mark looking back, they immediately went back to whatever they were doing.

“We don’t care,” Jaemin says honestly, and Mark laughs, shrugging, agreeing with Jaemin. They don’t. Not anymore.

They walk to their class slowly after. Jeno and Renjun in the front, and Jaemin and Mark behind them. They’re not touching anymore. But they’re close, so it’s alright.

“I told my parents, hyung,” Jaemin says softly, leaning in Mark’s ears. Mark looks at Jaemin in surprise. Jaemin shrugs, grinning at Mark. “I didn’t want to tell you over text or call. It doesn’t seem right.”

Mark nods, accepting the explanation. They’re sort of very far from Renjun and Jeno now, but Mark doesn’t care, and Jaemin seems to not to, too. “How did they react?”

“A bit weirded out honestly,” Jaemin replies lightly. Mark thinks Jaemin is kind of making it out to not be as bad as it actually was. “Said things like if I’m sure I am gay. Told them I have you as a boyfriend, though. Asked for picture and all that. They accepted it, but kind of avoided it?” Jaemin responded honestly, and he shrugs, looking at Mark. “Is that weird?”

“Not really,” Mark replies, and he takes Jaemin’s hand, squeezing it a little. “I got lucky with my parents. Every parents react differently.”

“Hm,” Jaemin says in response. Jaemin then exhales happily, and shoots a bright smile at Mark. “I’m glad I told them, honestly.”

“Me too,” Mark replies easily because he is.  
  
-

“I’m so proud of you.”

Mark has heard a lot of that today, and each one still puts a smile on Mark’s face, making him grin beautifully, and duck his head shyly gratefully.

It’s graduation day. Mark already has six bouquets in his hand. One from his parents, a collective one from Renjun, Jeno, and Donghyuck because all of them are cheap bastards, another one from Taeyong who came over briefly, but has left. The other two are from this teacher who likes Mark, and this classmate who Mark always helps with homework. Mark can probably already go home now, but his parents keep insisting on taking pictures of him everywhere, so Mark complies, and does it easily.

Another one is from Jaemin. It’s the most unique one out of all of them. It’s baby’s breaths. Mark remembers Jaemin asking Mark last year what Mark’s favourite flower is. Mark, not really one for flowers, said that he doesn’t quite have one, but Jaemin pestered him, so Mark said that if he had to pick one it would be baby’s breath. It’s more of a first-thing-that-came-to-my-mind kind of answer, but since Jaemin remembered, so Mark guesses it would be his favourite flower now.

“Did you know baby’s breath meant a lot of things?” Mark remembered Jaemin asking. Mark, too distracted with the headache inducing Maths question in the paper, replied with an intelligent grin huh. Jaemin laughed, and repeated it. “Means a lot of things. That’s all.”

Jaemin had been the last one to give his bouquet, and Mark thinks it’s a nice gesture. Jaemin gave it to Mark, and congratulated Mark with his beautiful smile, and a soft caress of Mark’s cheek.

“Congratulations, hyung.” Jaemin said, handing Mark his bouquet, and Mark took it with a laugh, holding Jaemin’s hand on his cheek so that it stayed there as Jaemin uttered those words. “This one means self discipline and the ability to focus on love.”

“Did you steal that from Naver?” Mark asks teasingly, tightening the hold he has on Jaemin’s hand, and Jaemin laughs goodnaturedly, pinchin Mark’s cheek after.

“No. My heart.” Jaemin replies cheekily, and Donghyuck in the background fakes vomit with Renjun. Jeno just shakes his head in disbelief. Jaemin laughs again, and pats Mark’s cheek softly. “I’m proud of you. I really am.”

That meant the most to Mark. It meant the most because Jaemin was kind of the one who was always there to see Mark struggle. Their study dates ever since they met each other showed Jaemin the side of Mark that never failed to give up. Jaemin was also sometimes on the phone with Mark as Mark revised, accompanying him to the late night to prevent him from falling asleep. Jaemin was there outside of cram school, with food in his hand just so Mark didn’t fall asleep in the subway on the way home. Jaemin was just--there. Not that anyone else wasn’t, but he was there the most. Just waiting and supporting.

The graduation haze sort of settled in now, and it’s now lunch time, which means that Jaemin can be out of class to properly be with Mark. They’re outside, on the bench where they’re facing the field. Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jeno were here earlier, buy they left in order to eat. Mark had a feeling they just wanted to leave the couple alone.

“How does graduating feel?” Jaemin asks softly. Jaemin’s head is on Mark’s shoulder, watching as the football team play on the field.

“Like graduating,” Mark replies teasingly, and Jaemin elbows him on the tummy, frowning up at Mark. Mark lets out a grunt, and then laughs. “That’s how it is!”

“I mean feelings, hyung,” Jaemin replies exasperatedly, letting out a good natured laugh. “Feelings, emotions.”

Mark breathes out a laugh, lifting his shoulder up to tease Jaemin. “Happy, I guess?”

“Happy that you’re leaving me?” Jaemin asks dryly. It’s supposed to be a joke, but Mark takes it as sort of a silent confession.

“I won’t leave you, you know,” Mark replies easily, and Jaemin looks up at Mark, a little embarrassed at showing his true emotions. “We’ll make it work, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin shrugs, and he sighs again, going back to look at the field. “Don’t find any good university students, and leave your highschooler boyfriend.”

“Over!” Mark cackles, and Jaemin laughs along, agreeing. “But I won’t. This highschooler boyfriend is too precious for me to leave.”

Jaemin chuckles, but then he pulls out his pinky, wiggling it childishly. “Promise?”

“Promise,” Mark says, laughing, and he hooks his own pinky with Jaemin’s, and touching their thumbs.

They’ll make it work. Of course they will. Mark would do anything to make it work. Jaemin is Mark’s first love, and Mark is too overwhelmingly whipped with Jaemin to even think about letting go. Jaemin seems to be holding the same sentiment. All they have to do is stay strong, and don’t ever let their feelings fade. They say first love doesn’t last. It’s temporary and not permanent. They say first love is a myth, and that it’s stupid. They say first love is only an introduction to so much more things. An introduction to so many more people you could meet. They say first love is this and that.

Mark wants to prove them wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so so much for reading. i am really eternally greateful. 
> 
> the subscribers and kudos really went up higher than i expected it to be the last time i updated so that REALLY surprised me. thank you for sticking around with this shitty fic. it means a lot.
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated! ;;
> 
> i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/nctkkum) if you wanna follow me! 
> 
> and i opened up a [curiouscat!!](https://curiouscat.me/adequater) if you wanna ask me questions hehe
> 
> bye now, a lot like you. i love you a lot! and title is actually from [this ](http://rudyfrancisco.tumblr.com/post/30476914411/a-lot-like-you/amp) tumblr poem! i should've mentioned it earlier probably, but i forgot? ;;;; 
> 
> thank you, once again. and goodbye now ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos and comments if you're feeling a bit nice!
> 
> i'm also @nctkkum on twitter if you wanna ever cry with me :)


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